Five easy punch-lines for the CNN headline 'Jessica Simpson ordered to rest voice'

1. Evidently, a doctor was the one who drew the short straw to tell her on behalf of the American public.

2. Simpson wasn't even in the room at the time of the diagnosis; the doctor had just listened to "A Public Affair."

3. Simpson proceeded to sandwich her neck between a tiny mattress and smaller pillow.

4. The PR reps would have you believe she lost her voice, but that's assuming she had one to begin with.

5. The same orders were given to Ashlee Simpson, who feels perfectly fine.

Here's the actual CNN story, sans cutting wit.