Tuesday, October 31, 2006


As a culinery service to my readers, I have ranked candy ingredients, qualities and examples commonly distributed on Halloween:

1. Chocolate.
2. Caramel.
3. Nougat.
4. Rice crisps.
5. Fruit-flavored chewy things.
2,379. Black licorice.
2,380. Nuts that are not peanuts.
2,381. Razor blades.
2,382. Any candy that appears to have been wrapped in 1923. (Mary Jane, Bit O Honey, etc.)
2,383. Severed head.
2,384. Coconut.

Because 100 Grand and Take 5 have all or most of the top four candy qualities, they are the greatest possible candies to find in your plastic orange pumpkin or pillowcase. People, the houses of the people who give these out should be showered with love, not toilet paper.

Anything with coconut in it should be fused to pyrotechnics and launched into the sky on a more appropriate holiday nine months later.


Monday, October 30, 2006

The unnecessarily confusing conclusion of 'The Prestige' could have used some ch-ch-CHANGES!

I don't care who are the alleged stars of 'The Prestige.' If David Bowie has more than a couple of lines in your flick -- and he projects the essence of cool as he always does -- he should warrant a mention or two in your commercials, hrmmm?

He was the best part of the movie, which I thought was just OK.

VB grade: B-

A quote for possible use in my unlikely-to-be-written screenplay

Girl A, comforting Girl B about annoying Boy C:

"That piece of dust isn't worth your Lemon Pledge."

After a few laughs and a couple more drinks, Girl A and Girl B then dance around a living room table to Earth, Wind & Fire's "September."

Thursday, October 26, 2006

Dan Patrick is en fuego

ESPN icon Dan Patrick is the consummate professional on SportsCenter, handling light features, tragedies and punch lines with dexterous, dulcet tones.

He's also spiffy because he does things like, oh, sit in on the incredibly raw and hysterical Gary Dell'Abate Roast for this morning's Howard Stern Show, during which Patrick professed his Stern fandom of 20 years.

Cooler still is that he's a fan even after gracefully enduring -- and probably secretly enjoying -- a Stern fan's phone prank while Patrick was on the air in 2003.

It was surreal today to hear him explain why he was afraid to shake Sal the Stockbroker's hand, or how J.D. looks exactly like he sounds.

"And the whiffff...."

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

Boston College is in great shape

Or at least its students are. Men's Health magazine has proclaimed BC's student body the third-fittest in the nation, behind only Dickinson and Colgate. Adding to the integrity of this list is the title of that Web page: "America's Fittest Colleges in America."

I'm guessing Colgate students have the nation's nicest smiles.

Who are the ad wizards who came up with this one?

While walking through the streets of New York City last night, I came across a van belonging to a professional shredding company.

As Drew Carey once said about drive-through liquor stores, "Almost a good idea."

I can hear the pitch now:

"Are you a corrupt CFO who wants to shred those documents that allow you to skim millions while bilking your hard-working employees of their retirement savings? Then call Shreditall*, whose workers will cut up your most sensitive papers and spare you the jail time you deserve!"

Not only does a business like this seem sketchy from a drone's perspective, but also -- why would an executive ever want to turn over incriminating documents to anyone? Wouldn't a company offering to shred your files be the greatest facade for the FBI and IRS?

*Not a real shredding company. I don't want angry legal e-mails.

Monday, October 23, 2006

Vacations are like New Year's Eve

I can't help but think, "Wait, should I be doing something else, somewhere else?"

Then I remember that money (rather, the lack thereof) greatly limits my options, thus rendering my semi-hypothetical question moot.

So much for diving into piles of gold, recording my own version of "Stars Are Blind," beach lounging on a blanket made of endangered yak and upsetting Lindsay Lohan in some way in the VIP room of Marquis.

Friday, October 20, 2006

My friends are funny and hang out with the guy who directed "Animal House," "Thriller" and "Coming To America"

My friends in Elephant Larry and friend Ari in Mark & Ari wrote and starred in sketches directed by John Landis -- yes, that John Landis -- for a competition on JibJab.

Elephant Larry presents "Tall Cop, Short Cop":

Mark & Ari present "Small World":

Do my friends a favor and register at JibJab, then vote for one of these two videos there. The winner gets a $10,000 development deal, so please make your vote count! Also, check out JibJab's amusing biographical videos for Elephant Larry and Mark & Ari!

(Don't ask for whom I voted. It's tough having so many talented friends in comedy.)

Thursday, October 19, 2006

Jerseys in Jersey

"A, E, I, O, U and sometimes why?" - An Essay About The Names Of Two New York Giants In Three Acts

I. Does one of my favorite Giants, defensive end Osi Umenyiora, happen to have the only last name in NFL history to feature only one of each vowel and one letter "y"? Coolest fact ever if that's the case.

I'd hate to be the non-sports fan on Wheel of Fortune trying to solve his name in the final puzzle. Even with the automatic R, S, T, L, N and E, and the next most frequently used consonants and vowel in the English language (H, D, C and A), the puzzle would look like this:

_ S _
_ _ E N _ _ _ R A


I'd try not to grimace when Vanna only reveals one new letter before my attempt to solve the puzzle. After the inevitable buzzer, I'd try to clap politely as Pat reveals that I just waved $100,000 good-bye. But I'd still feel slightly less embarrassed than those 1983 Wheel of Fortune "winners" who were forced to spend their winnings on things like tacky $300 bunk beds.


II. Another Giant, cornerback R.W. McQuarters, sounds like he should be Scrooge McDuck's long-lost nephew, no? They're both multimillionaires, so why hasn't Disney greenlit this classic animated adventure yet? Look out, Huey, Dewey and Louie; here comes R.W.ee!


III. While we're at it, McQuarters has dreadlocks that are so long, they cover up all but the last two letters of his last name on his jersey. How do we know that the clubhouse attendants don't just save some time and a couple of bucks by not even bothering to sew the other eight letters above his No. 25? Hmmm?

Then there's my even more fun conspiracy theory that the jersey secretly features another 10-letter word or phrase ending in "RS." Since he started his pro career in San Francisco but left after only two years, what's to stop him from wearing the phrase "DUMB NINERS," which would only be obscured by his impressive coif?

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

Putting the 'Fresh' in Poppin' Fresh

Nothin' like watchin' a slab of dough do the robot. On the official Pillsbury Web site, no less!

Bonus points for how creepy the Doughboy's face gets during said robot.

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

Signs I expect to see in Grand Central after witnessing a shoeshine station's 'Do Not Sit On Chairs' placard

"Do Not Eat Food In Dining Concourse."

"Tickets Are To Be Purchased Without A Financial Transaction."

"No Boarding Any Train."

"Stop Breathing Air."

"Contact With The Floor Is Strictly Prohibited."

Monday, October 16, 2006

Lost In Translation 2: Euro Trip

Further proof that Bill Murray might just be the greatest man alive.

Saturday, October 14, 2006

Stuff and Things, Part IV

Sports Guy has Ramblings. I have Stuff and Things. Again. And again. And again.

- For months, I wondered if Spraychel could hold a candle to Agent Erin's hotness among the cartoon advertising icon set. Since both were fundamentally unattainable (because they're not real), I had decided, why pick?

But when it comes down to it, Agent Erin's way hotter, so I'll pick her.

- When I was younger, when I heard the phrase "post game show," I always hoped it would involve a snarky host, some flashing lights and lots of money. Sadly, it was just a summary of the preceding sporting event. But I'm convinced that Wink Martindale might be able to split the difference every Sunday afternoon.

- Last month, Beyonce released her latest album, "B'Day." Probably not the classiest idea to sing about a hygienic fixture commonly found next to a toilet. Wait, that's not what she's singing about? My bad.

- If I created a birth control pill and wanted to market it to sexually active women, I might not choose to call it Yaz, considering that was the nickname of a gritty, old Red Sox player from yesteryear. Picking a Yankee would have made more sense.

- Within 0.2 seconds of turning seeing a disoriented, disheveled woman on MTV, I was able to identify the program I was watching as "True Life: I'm Addicted To Crystal Meth." Glamorous!

- A couple of months ago, I was in the city killing some time and decided to visit the Sirius Satellite Radio headquarters at 1221 Avenue of the Americas, where a touch-screen monitor directed visitors to the proper floor for radio employees. Since I'm a big Howard Stern fan, I decided to see who was listed in this directory and who wasn't. The results:

Howard Stern: No.
Robin Quivers: No.
Gary Dell'Abate: Yes.
Fred Norris:

I forgot to try Artie Lange. Disgrazia!

- Fall premieres notwithstanding, TV gets a lot less interesting when your favorite baseball team is eliminated from contention.

- From the "We're Just Not Trying That Hard" files, The Federation brings us "I Wear My Stunna Glasses At Night," an uninspired rap remake of Corey Hart's classic pop song "I Wear My Sunglasses At Night." It seems impossible to remake this song in a hip-hop style and lose, but these guys found a way. They dared masquerade with a guy in shades... oh, no.

- Sometimes when I go to the gym (or more accurately, don't go to the gym), I suffer from a condition I've come to label as Reverse Arm-orexia, which results in my comparing my biceps and triceps to superior sets showcased at the gym, on TV, or elsewhere. It's by no means a serious condition, but women should know that men sometimes get goofy about these things too.

- I debated the greatest American-based band of all time over a few brews a couple of months ago. Taking criteria like hits, influence and longevity into account, the best ones we could brainstorm were Aerosmith, Metallica, Eagles, Grateful Dead, Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band. I vetoed Grateful Dead (because they not only had too narrow a reach, but also are waaaay too annoying), and declared Aerosmith the winner. But I could be wrong, considering Aerosmith's only number one hit was written by the same same woman who wrote Celine Dion's "Because You Loved Me" and Milli Vanilli's "Blame It on the Rain."

Friday, October 13, 2006

Disclaimer about a disclaimer

Last night, I caught a commercial for the DVD release of the remake of "The Omen," which noted that "additional scenes are not rated or closed captioned."

At first the phrase meant the additional scenes were EITHER not rated OR closed captioned, which would be odd considering the two features have nothing to do with one another. The commercial's scribes evidently wanted the word "not" to apply awkwardly to both conditions. The phrase should have read, "additional scenes are neither rated nor closed captioned."

Poorly written, Omen. See me after class. And don't kill me.

Sunday, October 08, 2006

My explanation for how the Tigers eliminated the Yankees from the playoffs:




Friday, October 06, 2006

I was saying Boo-urns

Two things I found insulting about the second game of the Yankees-Tigers playoff series:

- An ESPN sportscaster's claim that Yankee fans were giving Mike Mussina the "Mooooose" call, when they were clearly booing the delay caused by ESPN's interminable sideline report.

- That and, well, the Yankees' pathetic effort in Game 2.

Wednesday, October 04, 2006

That's game, Hendrix!

I made it to 28 today, beating out Jimi Hendrix, Kurt Cobain and Janis Joplin. Certainly none of them had a short-lived humor column on the Buffalo Bills' Web site before kicking the bucket. Suckers!

Monday, October 02, 2006

Go, go, gadget paper towel dispenser!

It's always humbling to wave your hands in front of a paper towel dispenser you've used for months, only to realize that it's one of the old-fashioned models that require the pulling of said paper towel, rather than a new edition that dispenses towels when you activate a motion sensor.

Effort is such an effort.

Human sacrifice! Dogs and cats living together! Mass hysteria!

The Ghostbusters 3 script explained by the otherwise-brilliant Harold "Egon" Ramis:

When the Ghostbusters step out of a Brooklyn warehouse, "it looks just like New York, but it's hell -- everything's grid locked; no cars are moving and all the drivers are swearing at each other in different foreign languages. No two people speak the same language. It's all the worst things about modern urban life, just magnified."

Oh, and Ramis wants Ben Stiller to join Dan Aykroyd and Rick Moranis for the cast. No mention of Bill Murray means I'm not interested.

As Murray's Dr. Peter Venkman character so eloquently states while trying to flick the slime off his hands in the New York Public Library, "Gah!"

The source of this information dates back to November 2005, so let's hope the idea died and that its spirit is safely contained in the Ecto Containment Unit, well beyond the legal reach of Walter Peck.

Sunday, October 01, 2006

Why it's good to dream about failure, loss and frustration

When I sleep these days, the only dreams I remember seem to be the bad ones.

That said, I'd rather wake up to a better life than ruin something that was better in the ethereal subconscious.