Thursday, January 28, 2010

Stunting makeouts for 421 years

Name one movie love scene in which the removal of socks is neither comical nor awkward. Or any scene that features sock removal of any kind, for that matter.

Socks: The cause of movies' most boring deleted scenes, which are not even available on Blu-Ray.

Monday, January 25, 2010


For singles, the month before Valentine's Day is like the month before Christmas, except the ads make you want to punch Cupid instead of Walmart.

For the record, I'm content with being single. I just think Valentine's Day was invented to make couples feel like they're better than everyone else.

Some people might argue, "But that's not the original intent behind Valentine's Day!" But you know what? That's not what people primarily celebrate anymore. Hey, Christmas was created to celebrate the birth of an entire religion, not to, say, buy a Lexus with a bow on top for your WASPy daughter's Sweet 16.

And taken guys taken guys don't have it much better than singles on V-Day. Taken guys have to be creative, avoid cliché, find perfect gift(s), be romantic and wow his mate in unprecedented fashion.

Taken ladies? Look pretty.

Married men probably can get away with buying one solid gift for their wives. Unmarried taken guys probably have to brainstorm three gifts and/or creative ideas and endure something inordinately girly in the process. ("Project Runway" does not apply here, because it is frickin' awesome.)

Basically, Valentine's Day's the only holiday that puts a burden on men and almost none on women. Ladies have it much rougher than guys on Arbor Day, though, so it totally evens out.

Monday, January 18, 2010

All the technical prowess of a rotary phone

Nielsen ratings are the land-line phone bills of the 21st century.