Instant first-class upgrade

How many frequent flier miles did Hillsborough Cty's medical examiner get for saying Billy Mays died of heart disease?

Unnecessary Sequels: "Seacrest/Nixon"

Other contributions of mine to last week's #unnecessarysequels hashtag phenomenon on Twitter:

• "Imagine That First Movie Was Good"
• "Borat 2: Everyone He Meets Already Knows Who He Is"
• "Purple Wintry Mix With Chance Of Hail"
• "12 Men At Peace With Their Verdict"
• "Malcolm XI"

One celebrity I hope lives another 150 years

Enjoy your stay, Bernie!

Fun with the Twitter hashtag #coolbandsmadeuncool

My contributions to today's #coolbandsmadeuncool craze on Twitter:

• Nick Jr Mafia
• Public Enema
• David Baba Bowie
• The Police Academy
• Alice In Lanyards
• A.C. Slater
• Boys to Adolescents
• Ramone
• The Ring Dings
• stellaampersandd&
• CNBC Music Factory
• C&C Cola Factory
• Cinderella, No, Really, We're Reaching Out To The Toddler Demographic
• Duran Duran Duran Duran Duran Duran Duran
• The Killers After They Were Overplayed

Fun with the Twitter hashtag #nicerfilmtitles

My contributions to last week's #nicerfilmtitles craze on Twitter:

• Sexyback Mountain
• Two Fists Full Of Hundreds
• 10 Weeks
• Mr. Smith Goes To Washington State
• Glengarry, Meet Ross From "Friends"
  
• Elmo Is Not On Fire
• Natural Born Phyllis Dillers
• Greatfellas
• Land of the GPS
• Brunch Club
• He's Just That Into You
• American Crème Brûlée
• Regular Size Me
• 12 Happy Men
• Reservoir Fluffy Bunnies
• Smart & Smarter
• No Need To Save Private Ryan Because There Is No War
• Finding Nemo's Mom Is Not Actually Dead

The reigning champ though is by my buddy Courtney Elnow, who busted out The Good, The Also Good, and the Great Personality.

My brain just never got past the shiny power tools and bathroom jokes

I'm an idiot. At age 30, I just realized the title of the ABC show "Home Improvement" has a meaning that does not involve construction or renovation. This epiphany struck me as powerfully as if I'd learned that "Seinfeld" was a pun because he Felt Signs of the mundane.

To compensate, I decided to create unintended double meanings for TV show titles. You're welcome.

Bronze: "Jeopardy!" - The danger of losing viewers when contestants are interviewed by Trebek.
Silver: "Desperate Housewives" - The only viewers who remain.
Gold: "Dateline NBC" - Chris Hansen's dating service, with a twist.