Wednesday, August 30, 2006

Because not everything sounds as cool as WaMu

Rejected shorthand notations for Washington Mutual:

WasMut - But, remarkably, now is a purebred.
WashMutu - But tell him before you chase him with a scrub brush.
WashiMutua - Didn't he play right field for the Yomiuri Giants?

Tuesday, August 29, 2006

Five easy punch-lines for the CNN headline 'Jessica Simpson ordered to rest voice'

1. Evidently, a doctor was the one who drew the short straw to tell her on behalf of the American public.

2. Simpson wasn't even in the room at the time of the diagnosis; the doctor had just listened to "A Public Affair."

3. Simpson proceeded to sandwich her neck between a tiny mattress and smaller pillow.

4. The PR reps would have you believe she lost her voice, but that's assuming she had one to begin with.

5. The same orders were given to Ashlee Simpson, who feels perfectly fine.

Here's the actual CNN story, sans cutting wit.

No, I did not have Conan O'Brien fall through the ceiling

Although the actual Emmy nominees and winners were a disaster outside of "The Office" winning for best comedy (can we have a Shaloub moratorium, please?), at least the show's opening sequence was a winner, thanks to ConeBone.

On Sunday night, I was actually watching the season finale and third-to-last broadcast of "Deadwood" (ahem... best drama... ahem), "Flavor of Love 2" and "Who Wants To Be A Superhero?", so also caught me up on a brilliant Red Carpet snippet (not involving cleavage) and more sublimely awkward moments from the show itself.

Thursday, August 24, 2006

Ninth planets are so out right now

Astronomers have stripped Pluto of its planetary status.

Fearing a slippery slope, a cartoon character contacts his lawyer immediately. The lawyer reassures the pup that just about the only thing Disney could strip from him is his collar.

Update! Check out Elephant Larry's post on the same topic, as well as the subsequent comments. Brilliant!

Wednesday, August 23, 2006

Snakes On A Phone (Or An E-Mail)

I realize that "Snakes On A Plane" could never live up to its title or hype (see: uninspiring $15 million opening weekend), but Samuel L. Jackson bossing around your friends to see the movie absolutely does.

Friday, August 18, 2006

I'm the lyrical gangsta

1. This Christina Aguilera lyric from the otherwise-brilliant "Ain't No Other Man" was sent via courier from the Department of the Office of Redundancy Department:

"You got what I want, boy
And I want it."

Likely rejected lyrics from other X-Tina songs include "I'm a genie in a bottle/That's right, a genie" and "I turn to you/You are the person to whom I turn."


2. With books out there like "Scuse Me While I Kiss This Guy," there's obviously a market for misheard lyrics. One of my own is for Elvis Costello's "Alison." Instead of hearing...

"I'm not going to get too sentimental
Like those other sticky valentines"

...I heard:

"I'm not going to get too sentimental
Like those other sycophalentines (sic)."

I thought Elvis Costello was brilliant not only for an enduring classic, but also for making up a word that combines "sycophant" and "valentines." But because of my inability to decipher, I actually was the one to invent a word to describe a parasitic lover. Huzzah!


3. For those of you who appreciate all things "So I Married An Axe Murderer," I just wanted to offer a factoid involving The Proclaimers' "I'm Gonna Be (500 Miles)."

If you're like me, you've wondered for more than a decade what the heck those bespectacled guys were talking about when they sang:

"And if I haver, yeah, I know I'm gonna be
I'm gonna be the man who's
havering to you"

To haver is to "talk foolishly; to chatter." May I offer a synonym? Varsity Basketweaving.

It's time to play everybody's favorite new game, 'Warning? Or Brand Name?'

On Monday night in New York City, I witnessed the following word forged into a nameplate on the headrest of a man's wheelchair:


Unsettling to say the least, and confusing in its message. Was the handicapped man pleading for karma and/or the victim of it? Were the people walking behind him being warned not to interrupt his path?

Turns out, it was the make of the wheelchair, proving yet again that the mind of an English-Communication double major often can make a left at Basic Reasoning and crash into Overanalysis.

Tuesday, August 15, 2006

How one headline can offend both genders

The following link to an MSN feature story -- not an advertisement -- was highlighted on the log-in page of my Hotmail account:

"Women: Avoid these get-rich-quick scams"

Among the possible loose translations:

"Women: Don't fall for stuff that men will recognize as a scam."
"Men: We're only looking out for the benefit of women, so we don't care if you fall for this stuff."

Monday, August 14, 2006

Because a tiny bottle of Jack Daniels should cost as much as the plane ticket

Supposed fact: Liquids were banned from flights after an international bust of a terrorist plot.

Conspiracy theory: No such plot existed, rather a tacit agreement among international flight executives allowed "undercover agents" to stage a sting to allow floundering airlines to reap additional revenues through overpriced on-flight beverages.

I'm looking at you, World Aviation Transportation Ethics Regime*!

*Supposed fact: This organization is not real. Conspiracy theory: Or is it?

Thursday, August 10, 2006

Jim Caple's best work


Wednesday, August 09, 2006

Guidelines for appearing in the opening credits of 'Saturday Night Live'

Dear new Cast Member/Featured Player,

Congratulations for making the cast of "Saturday Night Live"! As you know, our Opening Credits are just as much a part of our storied tradition as Weekend Update and that "experimental" sketch with 10 minutes to go, so we strongly advise that you incorporate one or more of the following elements for our world-famous introduction:

1. Pose with a drink or food.
2. Laugh at an imaginary joke.
3. Look surprised.
4. Look confused.
5. Walk in the street.
6. Nod or shake your head.
7. Talk to someone off-camera.
8. Appear in -- or next to -- a limo, cab, subway or car.
9. Surround yourself with women.
10. Be Don Pardo.

Please note that if you are a Featured Player, we reserve the right to use your crappy headshot to represent you in the Opening Credits. We don't want to waste precious film on a performer we'll drop in a year or two.

Oh, and please be funny on the actual show.

The Opening Credits People

cc: LM

Monday, August 07, 2006

Step Up and Take The Lead

Earlier this year, I remember seeing ads for "Take The Lead," yet another movie about young dancers overcoming the odds while falling in love. It made an uninspiring $30 million at the box office with a cast that included Antonio Banderas and a cast of unknowns.

Now, I'm seeing ads for "Step Up," which not only looks 90 percent identical to "Take The Lead," but also features one of the same cast members: Jenna Dewan.

It's bad enough you're remaking a stale movie. It's worse when you don't bother to recast it.

Friday, August 04, 2006

End seasonism now!

On a sweltering Wednesday night, my T-shirt changed from light brown to dark brown while waiting for a Metro-North train. Desperate for some relief, I was angrily reminded that the platforms' weather-protected booths only generate heat in winter, not cool air in summer.

Why must the seasonists continue to discriminate? Because people in public can always put more clothes on rather than take more off, it's far more important to provide air conditioning in these mini-shelters than heat.

Train station shelter contractors need more temperature sensitivity training.

My subconscious still does not want me to host 'Saturday Night Live'

Earlier this week, I had a dream that I had won a contest to host "Saturday Night Live." The episode I hosted was so bad, they canceled the show immediately and SNL ceased to be. Leave it to me to shut down a television institution.

Sadly, this is not the first time my dreamland SNL hosting experience resulted in disaster.

Thursday, August 03, 2006

A suggestion for T.I.'s next album cover and title

When T.I. drops his next album, he should pick it up off the floor and call it "42."

How in the world would I come up with such an abstract suggestion for "The Jay-Z of the South"? Credit the Metropolitan Transportation Authority yet again for being my muse.

One day a couple of months ago, while taking the subway in Midtown, I lost track of where I was and could only see part of a tile on the subway wall an inch or two beyond the top of the window:

The first thing that registered in my brain was "T.L." (lowercase T, curvy, modern L).

It took a couple of seconds to figure out I was at the 42nd Street stop.

Then it took a few more seconds to realize that if there were ever a group called "T.L.," that'd make for a cool album cover.

A few days passed before I realized that T.I. could tweak that image to suit his needs.

Pow! Now he can take advantage of merchandising opportunities, selling jerseys with the 42/T.I. logo on them.

You're welcome, Clifford Joseph Harris Jr.!

Wednesday, August 02, 2006

This melting pot is filled with encased salty meats

How can you not root for Chorizo, the newest competitor in the Milwaukee Brewers' Sausage Race? Olé!

But before you subject yourself to a spice-induced Chorizo fever, realize that Major League Baseball ordered the Brewers to wait until 2007 to include him in the race, per mascot policy.

Mascot policy? As my friend Valentina wrote, "MLB has mascot regulations but they haven't figured out the steroid debacle yet? Glad to see they have their priorities in order."

Tuesday, August 01, 2006

What does the most iconic shortstop in the big leagues smell like?

Apparently, "chilled grapefruit, clean oak moss and spice."