Amazingly, my favorite columnist -- ESPN writer Bill "Sports Guy" Simmons -- hates almost every team I like (Yankees, Giants, Boston College) and loves most teams I hate (Red Sox et al).
So keep that in mind while I explain why I'm peeved at something that might not even be his decision.
Last week, Simmons spent 2,843 words on a column that not only talked about the Patriots' quest for perfection but also predicted a 42-17 New England victory over the two-touchdown underdog Giants. Today was the all-too-sweet and all-too-short follow-up column in which Simmons had to eat, ahem, "crow" due to New York's stunning 17-14 victory, possibly the greatest upset in sport since the Miracle on Ice in 1980.
Interestingly, while most ESPN writers subject themselves to message board comments from the public, the ability to comment on these Simmons columns is disabled -- or at the very least, not in its usual placement next to the "e-mail (friends)" and "print" links at the top of the article. His colleague, poor Gene Wojciechowski, made the mistake of writing a piece listing 15 reasons the Patriots would win. And because his column allows for comments at the top of the page, his comments section is overflowing with fun words from exuberant Giants fans.
I'm not sure if this next fact helps or hurts Simmons' case, his other recent columns don't allow readers to post comments either. Perhaps this isn't Simmons' decision, but I have to wonder if that link would have suddenly appeared if the Pats were coronated in obnoxious fashion.
So, while I can't post my comments on ESPN's page, allow me to do so here while I enjoy the greatest upset in NFL history. Consider it redemption for the Boston's ridiculous and unprecedented American League Championship Series comeback against the Yankees in 2004.
I won't even take cheap shots at Simmons himself. He's a fantastic columnist. But I will just state three facts:
Giants 17, Patriots 14. The New York Giants are Super Bowl Champs. The Patriots are not.
One word for the 12-minute halftime show of the artist formerly known as The Artist Formerly Known As Prince: Wow.
It was easily the best halftime musical performance since U2’s in 2002—maybe even better. (And, for the record, U2’s one of my all-time favorites.) If you missed it or want to relive it, check it out:
Here's a second-by-second breakdown of the whole show:
[0:07] Possibly the worst part of the performance, an infantile version of “We Will Rock You,” with superfluous pyrotechnics, a chorus of whiny children and awful canned crowd noise. The good news is that the pervasive canned applause won’t have to be used again, as Prince improbably wins over the crowd of football-first fans.
[0:40] “Dearly beloved, we are gathered here to get through this thing called life!” The first of many goosebump moments. Yes, Mr. Nelson, I am accepting your invitation to become mentally unstable.
[0:58] With a fog in the sky caused by the fireworks and rain, the charging throng of fans look like they’re fleeing from Godzilla.
[1:26] Prince’s primary back-up singer, wearing a white cape and a matching hat brim that makes it look like there’s a frisbee ring on her head, gets her first halftime face time—perhaps to distract us from the fact that Prince is wearing a turquoise suit and salmon button-down. (I suppose that color combo is Miami-appropriate, but wow.)
[1:33] Prince launches into the first of many fantastic guitar solos. I know the guy is famous for everything from his constant name-changes to his eclectic fashion sense, but everyone forgets just how amazing of a musician he is.
[1:52] He gets so into the solo that he’s late in resuming his vocals, missing the “Are we gonna let (the)” before returning to the mic with “elevator bring us down.” He plays it cool. No harm, no foul.
[2:06] Prince starts getting the crowd into it with some call-and-response singing. Considering the bulk of the crowd had been more concerned with the score and mustard packets prior to halftime, Prince starts to win them over, based on the volume of response.
[2:23] We’re reminded that it’s pouring outside as the camera lens is covered with translucent hexagonal raindrops. I’m expecting the NFL to fine Mother Nature $8 million and promise more global warming.
[2:49] Prince taunts the crowd by singing a call-and-response falsetto riff that only dogs could hear and/or sing back to him: “HOOO-ooo-OOO-ooo-EEEEE!” Hilarious.
[3:21] It wouldn’t be a Super Bowl halftime show without an appearance from a superfluous marching band, which plays the opening riff of “1999.” But Prince then quickly and seamlessly shifts into the vocals of “Baby I’m A Star.”
[3:42] We see our first glimpse of the marching band uniforms’ glow-in-the-dark lining, which makes them look like they’re guest-starring in the movie “Tron.” It really is the ‘80s all over again.
[3:44] Prince utters the pick-up line all journalists should use: “Hey, I ain’t got no money/But honey I’m rich on personality.”
[4:22] Another seamless segue, this time into “Proud Mary,” which sounds particularly cool with his caped crusader back-up singer and all the marching band brass behind him.
[4:39] Tron-believable!
[5:06] Tron-tastic!
[5:08] Obligatory Guitar Switch No. 1.
[5:21] Prince switches it up yet again, playing a few guitar riffs of a different song before revealing the first words of “All Along The Watchtower,” channeling Jimi Hendrix through his fingertips. More goosebumps.
[6:04] The biggest surprise: Prince pays homage to the Foo Fighters with his bluesy, moody take on “Best Of You.” As a huge Foo Fighters fan, I think Dave Grohl should be really proud; Prince stays true to the song without ripping it off.
[6:32] It’s amazing that Prince can find two dancers who are shorter than he is. Geena Davis need not apply.
[7:19] Continuing the musical seance that he began with Hendrix, Prince channels the late James Brown on a wail that would make almost anyone “get on up.”
[7:21] He starts a raucous, raw best guitar solo that’s his best of the night.
[8:21] In the middle of a downpour, the opening riff of “Purple Rain” resonates through the stadium. No, that’s not just the hypothermia that’s causing your goosebumps. Also, Obligatory Guitar Switch No. 2.
[8:41] Obligatory Crowd-Holding-Up-Lights-Because-They’re-Instructed-To-Do-So Moment
[9:00] Oh, and you thought Tron had disappeared, didn’t you?
[9:40] Prince is made taller—perhaps by default—by projecting his shadow onto a giant billowing bedsheet. The shape of his guitar next to his hips makes for some interesting shadows, ones that might have made a few censors a little nervous about the FCC’s reaction in the aftermath of Janet Jackson’s halftime show years ago.
[10:50] Mechanical doves hover over the stage. Search lights permeate the night. Prince continues to reign.
[10:57] Improbably, when the band cuts out, a majority of the football-jersey-wearing fans joins Prince in echoing the falsetto ending of “Purple Rain.” Amazing.
[11:28] Enough pyrotechnics are set off to make the Fourth of July jealous.
[11:52] After a well-deserved ovation for Prince, the YouTube clip mercifully cuts off before some producer nobody cares about takes credit for the epic show for which Prince is primarily responsible.
On ESPN's Web site this afternoon, fans were asked the choose one of five responses to "My favorite NFL team will ________." Here's how to interpret the nearly 88,000 results that had been tallied as of about 2 p.m. EST Sunday:
Michigan (Home to the Detroit Lions): The only state in which the bulk of the fans voted "Probably done by Week 4." You know your team has been a disappointment if your fans have absolutely no faith before the season even starts. Like Kevin Federline at the Teen Choice Awards, you knew it would bad before the show started.
Louisiana (Home to the New Orleans Saints): The only state in which most of the fans responded with "Not embarrass me completely." Last year's frustrating year was compounded by Hurricane Katrina slamming the Gulf Coast, forcing the Saints to play "home" games as far away as Giants Stadium. (Totally fair!) But at least this year, they have Reggie Bush -- the NFL's most exciting college draft pick since, uh, ever -- so he'll be fun to watch, at least.
Wisconsin (Home to the Green Bay Packers): A tie between "Hopefully will make the playoffs!" and "Not embarrass me completely." In other words, a tie between fans who remember who Brett Favre used to be, and the fans who remember who Brett Favre is now.
Missouri (Home to the St. Louis Rams and Kansas City Chiefs), Minnesota (Home to the Minnesota Vikings) and North Dakota (Home to... uh... snow): "Hopefully will make the playoffs!" I actually think North Dakota's snow has a better shot of making the playoffs than the Green Bay Packers.
26 states (Home to a lot of teams) and non-US voters (Home to a lot of political animosity toward the United States): "At least will make the playoffs!" This is probably the healthiest attitude going into a season. Moderate expectations, meaning fewer boos per home game than a Barry Bonds away game.
18 states (Home to some teams): "Will win the Super Bowl!" Wow, 17 states are in for a real shocker. I'm looking in your direction, New Mexico.
Hawaii (Home to a bizarre season of "The Real World"): A tie between "Will win the Super Bowl!" and "At least make the playoffs!" If I lived in Hawaii, the last thing I'd be thinking about is football. Mmm... Hawaii.
I'll admit that I was rooting for the Seahawks yesterday, because of my distant Boston College connection to Matt Hasselbeck and my respect for the affable Mike Holmgren. But I was nearly as angry at last night's Super Bowl as I was when my beloved Giants lost Super Bowl XXXV against the Ravens. At every crucial juncture that appeared to favor the Seahawks, the refs threw what might as well have been Terrible Towels on the field, as Sports Guy observes.
I'm not saying the Seahawks would have won; it's not like they were playing outstanding football. But I just like seeing teams win well-played and well-officiated games. This game was lackluster from the start of Aaron Neville's national anthem "interpretation." (This columnist must have bugged my commentary from last night, as I made the exact same "American Idol" comment during "The Star Spangled Banner.")
At least the commercials were OK. Oh, wait. Those were awful, too.
This morning, Dell e-mailed me about plasma TV offers. Next to the ad text, "Get Ready For The Big Game!" is a photo, featuring the anticipated matchup of America's favorite teams: the Anonymous Redhelmets and the Boring Greenjerseys.
A major pet peeve of mine has always been ads for products that don't have permission from teams or sports leagues. Lame uniform attempts are the more visceral example of lameitude.
It happens a ton with baseball ads. Mike Piazza, back in his days with the Dodgers, was in an TV ad for Pert Plus. In the commercial, he wore this pathetic attempt of a jersey whose only commonality with the actual uni were the words "Los Angeles," but the style of script and colors of the jersey were nowhere close to the famous white or gray uniform with Dodger blue lettering. Derek Jeter's ads for Skippy are a little better; at least he got to wear a pinstriped uniform that had some semblance to the Yankees' home uni, albeit without the interlocking N-Y. And let us never forget "Major League Super Star Fred McGriff", his big puffy baseball cap and his ringing endorsement for Tom Emanski's "Defensive Drills" video.
Subtler knock-offs involve words. It's bad enough that advertisers can't refer specifically to the "Super Bowl" without permission from (read: payment to) the National Football League. So often, even during the Super Bowl, you'll see commercials for products and services relating to the "Championship" and the "Big Game," and it's just embarrassing for everyone involved. The NFL should continue to promote the official soft drink (Diet Pepsi), telecommunications sponsor (Sprint) and credit card (Visa), but not stop other groups from referencing the name of the freaking game.
Otherwise, I'll just have to wear a generic blue jersey the next few Sundays and root for "That playoff team that plays in East Rutherford." And obviously, that doesn't mean the Jets.
I will host your game show for scale. A journalist by trade, I also dabble in music, voice-overs and comedy in NYC. You can more frequently follow me on Twitter (@ChrisSerico). I heart air hockey and cheeseburgers. For those about to rock, I salute you.
Amazingly, my favorite columnist -- ESPN writer Bill "Sports Guy" Simmons -- hates almost every team I like (Yankees, Giants, Boston College) and loves most teams I hate (Red Sox et al).
