"Yes, And..."? More like "No, But...."

Perhaps my greatest failure as an improv comedian was my inability to make out with other failed improv comedians.

A soft-serve by any other name

Just call me Mr. Softee. More accurately, call the ice cream truck guy that. Most accurately, don't call anyone that, as it is a fake name.

Putting the LOL in Gillooly

I just told a dancer to break legs, plural, at her next performance. It's at least twice the luck, maybe more, depending on how much pain she inflicts upon others.

Look out!

"Don't take this the wrong way" is much easier to accept when it involves traffic patterns, but both versions can crush you.

Staying in is the new going out, says my quiet cell phone

Even my sink is disappointed that I'm staying home tonight:
The handle is the single, perfect tear.

Hot dogs, cuisine of the world's most eligible bachelors. (Not necessarily by choice.)

Disconnected

Erasing memories is hard, but erasing phone numbers is a start.

Be still my beating heart (but get the defibrillator ready just in case)

Everybody's got a hungry heart, but mine's clogged because it wants bacon.