The right and wrong way to sell your luxury vehicle this holiday season

For once, I'm not going to dump on Toyota for an awful commercial campaign. Instead, I will rag on its more luxurious affiliate, Lexus.

Let's look at the way two luxury car companies handle a simple concept: Buying our vehicle will make you feel like you were when you were a kid getting the best holiday present ever.

Successful attempt by Acura:

Why successful? The kids are cute, the joy is palpable and you don't want to smack the adult customer as he drives away in his new toy.

Horrendous attempt by Lexus:

Why horrendous? Only rich and/or spoiled kids got ponies as presents, immediately alienating most TV viewers. And while rich kids shouldn't be inherently punished for being born into wealth, they should be called out for taking joy in the jealousy of their less-fortunate neighbors. So how does karma kick in for this little brat later in life? Her sugar daddy gets her a Lexus for Christmas.

Um, yeah. I'm liking my Hyundai more and more.

Hysterical hysteria

I attended last night's epic St. Patrick's Day Drunken Throwdown at New York's Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre and I'm still reeling from how crazy it was. And, no, I won't elaborate.

Props to sober hosts and The Stepfathers members Chris Gethard and Zach Woods, who were like tour guides alerting everyone to stay calm at a very drunk Jurassic Park.

Lamentin' in da club

I'll admit it. Once every Olympiad I'll take a liking to a country music song. And last year, I found myself digging every slide guitar bend and twangy vocal of Rascal Flatts' ballad "What Hurts The Most."

If you don't know the song the song, skip the first 47 seconds of the "dramatic" opening of the music video to acquaint yourself with it. The lament expressed in the chorus lyrics is as follows:

What hurts the most
Was being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was tryin’ to do

Now, fast-forward to my flipping through satellite radio channels on yesterday's commute home. I heard a woman singing a cover of the same song. Other than a half-step key-change, it sounded nearly identical at the beginning. Then, halfway through the first verse, something very odd happened.

NNtssNNtssNNtssNNtss!

Yes, Cascada made the cathartic, tear-jerker "What Hurts the Most" into a dance track. It's such a strange convergence, taking a sappy ballad and throwing a thumping bass, some hair gel and glow sticks into the mix.

I figure it's just proof that no one listens to (or cares about) lyrics anymore, but let's assume for a moment that hard-core clubbers do care about them. There's just something funny about the image of gyrating tank-toppers sobbing uncontrollably while grinding against a total stranger.

It all screamed "Happy Valentine's Day!" to me.

Thoughts on 3 songs spanning 50 years

1957 - Frank Sinatra releases "Jingle Bells." Enjoying this during my morning commute, I reminded myself of why Sinatra's voice is so amazing. While he's routinely commended for making melodies sound "effortless," there's also a legitimate sense that he's mailing songs like this one in. It's actually a surprisingly sweet track for a ubiquitous song, but I couldn't help but think of Phil Hartman on "Saturday Night Live," booting "Duets" costars out of the recording booth within seconds of their arrival just so he could get the album done.

1991 - Naughty By Nature releases "O.P.P." I've enjoyed this song for 16 years, but only this month did I realize that the three-letter title is a play on the very song it samples -- "ABC" by the Jackson 5. The initials even rhyme. And to think I just enjoyed the song for its lyrical creativity, including one of my favorite lines of all time: "Arm me with harmony."

2007 - Finger Eleven releases "Paralyzer." For a ditty that iTunes declared 2007's top rock song, I liked it much better the first time when it was called "Take Me Out" and performed by Franz Ferdinand.

Something witty to say when the holiday season gets you down

Harumph-a-pum-pum.

Just when I thought I was too old for Halloween costumes

My friend Eugene alerted me to this video of costumes that are so uncool they're phenomenal. They are, of course, more than meets the eye:

Of course, I'm also dying to see how these guys "transform" when they're drunk. That's a good way to bust an axle.

I didn't realize I was on the 'Maury' show

This morning on the phone, a kind woman I don't believe I know personally wished me a happy Father's Day, which was a nice -- but somewhat misguided -- gesture.

Unless she was trying to tell me something she knew that I didn't.

March 26: The mood remains 'HAPPI,' the year remains 'NEW'

We're about to enter April, and spring is officially here, but the people at this Yonkers Friendly's branch continue to enjoy the pursuit of "HAPPI"ness and the newness of 2007.

A blog post about itself

This will be my last Varsity Basketweaving post of 2006. Check back next year*!

*In a few days.

More fun than any Chia Pet

Still looking for a last-minute holiday gift? Vintage "SNL" has a suggestion.



Makes a great gift! Four quick thoughts:

1. Watch it again, listening only to the background music. How great is that?!

2. Since I first saw this sketch in 1990, I've always loved how Mike Myers totally hams it up with only four words with which to work. I also remember the first "SNL" skit that my siblings and I took notice of this Myers fellow: "Ten Beatles Classics You Kind of Know the Words to." In that one, he does a great air-bass-guitar riff for "Get Back."

3. More than 16 years later, "Happy Fun Ball" is surprisingly timely with references to a war in Iraq (albeit Desert Storm) as well as a list of medical disclaimers about product use -- an ironic predecessor to today's commercials advertising prescription medication. I picture one of the comedy writers back then saying, "Hey, let's have one of the potential side effects be 'an erection lasting four or more hours!'", only to be shot down by another with, "Nah, that's too over the top. Who'd believe that?"

4. Do not taunt Happy Fun Ball.

In addition to a bow and arrow, Legolas picks up Santa's slack

In honor of Elephant Larry's outstanding Caveman Christmas show last night, here's a fine clip of holiday hilarity, complete with adventure and impalement:

A-wop-bop-a-loo-lop-a-lop-bam-HUH?

The conclusion of VH1's "Best Year Ever" last night was surprisingly moving.

Little Richard introduced himself with his trademark "WOoooOOOoooOOO!", an innocent and predictable enough opening.

Then he unleashed shock and awe on an unsuspecting audience with a genuinely moving, subtle and understated rendition of "Auld Lang Syne," complete with closed eyes, normal facial contortions and soft vibrato. Goosebump-worthy.

But because he's Little Richard, he had to follow that quiet ballad with another "WOoooOOOoooOOO!" Oh well.

Sweet

As a culinery service to my readers, I have ranked candy ingredients, qualities and examples commonly distributed on Halloween:

1. Chocolate.
2. Caramel.
3. Nougat.
4. Rice crisps.
5. Fruit-flavored chewy things.
...
2,379. Black licorice.
2,380. Nuts that are not peanuts.
2,381. Razor blades.
2,382. Any candy that appears to have been wrapped in 1923. (Mary Jane, Bit O Honey, etc.)
2,383. Severed head.
2,384. Coconut.

Because 100 Grand and Take 5 have all or most of the top four candy qualities, they are the greatest possible candies to find in your plastic orange pumpkin or pillowcase. People, the houses of the people who give these out should be showered with love, not toilet paper.

Anything with coconut in it should be fused to pyrotechnics and launched into the sky on a more appropriate holiday nine months later.

Related.

Happy July 4!

Or as it's also known in America: The worst night of the year to be shot.

Update! OK, I guess I have to explain this one. If you're shot while fireworks are going off, people might be more likely to dismiss the violence because they might confuse the sound of the gunfire with pyrotechnics. The comment above read more like a riddle than a joke. My fault, not yours.

Day of the day

Memorial Day. (Also acceptable: Monday.)

Burninating trick-or-treaters

I'm battling the blues today, but Strong Bad's commentary about this collection of Homestar Runner-themed Halloween costumes done cheered me up.

It all culminates with Strong Bad torturing himself over whether the final costume of his fiercest rival is hot or not. Decide for yourself, sweetie.

Creepy/Burgerful

At one point, you could have been Creepy Burger King guy this Halloween for the cost of two Angus Steak Burgers through BK's Web site.

But now, this fall's burgeriffic costume is sold out and routinely resells on eBay for over $100. A victory for fast food fans and alternative ad campaign supporters everywhere, right?

Well, I thought so. Until I read that the marketing firm that's in charge of the BK campaign might have been sending out annoying and misleading e-mails to hype the masks. (By the way, Seth Stevenson's Ad Report Card is a Slate must-read for anyone who enjoys analysis of commercial marketing strategy.)

I'll forgive you for this, BK, but only because I wouldn't mind answering the door for trick-or-treaters in this mask. I'd get to eat every piece of candy I bought because of all of the kids (and some adults) running away screaming.

iOdd

I love my iPod as much as the next music freak, but Halloween costumes for iPods? Problematic.

Link courtesy of Alex from Elephant Larry.