Sunday, May 28, 2006

Stuff and Things, Part II

Sports Guy has Ramblings. I have Stuff and Things. Again.

- Dear Sony, Please stop shoving Macy Gray down our throats. No one other than Kevin Federline has been less worthy of a music career extension. "I Try" was harmless enough for a novelty one-hit-wonder, but between your crowbarring her into "Spider-Man's" only unwatchable clip and those commercials for your useless digital music player, it's over. Thank you. Sincerely, Everyone.

- Embarrassing commercial error du jour: I can't find a clip for it anywhere, but please alert me (and the advertising authorities) if you find footage of a Just For Men hair coloring ad, in which a man consoles a boy in front of a baseball scoreboard that has HOME where VISITOR should be and vice-versa. They should rename their product "Just For Men Who Happen Not To Know Anything About Sports. With Gray Hair."

- The theme of the last two items? Gray and annoying.

- Another commercial issue: A Musinex commercial in which the snotty green bad-guy (not Mr. Belvedere On Ice) proclaims, "The more, the miserable!" Obviously, the writers just wanted to match the syllables and assonance of "merrier," rather than the type of adjective, thus rendering the new version nonsensical. Why couldn't the Mucus Man just say, "The more, the scarier?" That's at least four ways better: a pun, a half-rhyme, a grammatically superior statement and a phrase with the same number of syllables. Oh, and did I mention that Mr. Mucus Man leads a conga line for his snotty friends? Using a scale of 1 to 10, I give this commercial a Bite Me.

- My favorite protest/road sign in one: "END ROAD WORK." Amen, sister. Bonus points for the more polite version, which I've never seen while driving.

- Why must I wait a full minute after I've heard a cell phone voice mail message to actually leave a message?

"To leave a message, please wait for the tone, or press 1 for more options. To leave a call-back number, press 5. To order a pizza, call a pizza place. To pull your hair out clump by clump, continue doing what you're doing."
Sometimes, I'll get impatient and press pound, thinking I'll get the beep right away, only to be asked for my password, forcing me to hang up, redial and wait for the beep again. Life's too short for this.

- Just a friendly reminder that Van Morrison and Richard Dawson are still alive. I have to check every now and then, because at one point about five years ago, I thought both were dead.

- It doesn't really hurt, but when subway doors close on any part of your body, you'll yelp like a school kid out of sheer surprise. The funnier part is that no one flinches on either side of the glass when it happens.

- There are awesomely bad songs, just plain-old clunkers, and then there's what I seriously consider to be the worst song of all time: LFO's "Summer Girls." If the blatant rip-off of Extreme's "More Than Words" chord progression isn't enough to convince you, then consider the inane song lyrics or the faux rap stylings of white-frat-boys-trying-to-be-tough. Opening stanza:

"New Kids On The Block had a bunch of hits.

Chinese food makes me sick.

And I think it's fly when girls stop by for the summer.

For the summer.”

If this is stream of consciousness, it pours right into the sewer. Some songs you laugh with, but this is my favorite to laugh at.

- I'm still accepting nominees for worst songs of the 21st century, but my frontrunners remain Eamon's "**** it," which sounds like it's sung and written by a fourth-grader and Amanda Perez's "Angel" which sounds like it's sung and written by a tone-deaf fourth-grader. (I deliberately omitted a link for the lyrics to Eamon's expletive-laced, not-suitable-for-work song. Be creative and find them using Google.)

- Not all songs suck! I'm a little late on this one, but Gnarles Barkley's "Crazy" is the best song I've heard in months, with the bridge-less track topping out at just under 3 minutes long. The textured, passionate vocals of Cee-Lo Green and funky beats of DJ Danger Mouse (of "The Gray Album" fame) thread beautifully over a sticky bass line and perfectly blended and resolved chords of "ooh" on the verses. Gorgeous.

- Number of Stuff and Things, Part II passages with unique references to "Gray": 3.

- On the drive back from Virginia Beach this month, I finally visited a Sonic Drive-In and not only enjoyed their outstanding cheeseburgers but also crowned my new favorite fast-food chain dessert: the Chocolate Cream Pie Shake. The crumbled-up pie pieces are just about the greatest garnish ever.

- 42nd Street between 7th and 8th avenues remains my least-favorite pedestrian block in New York City. Especially when it's at least 80 degrees outside. Oh, the humanity!

- Heard on the train this weekend: Senior citizens complaining loudly about incontinence and gynocological appointments. While I'm eating a cheeseburger. Double ick. Thank you, iPod, for drowning out the evil voices outside my head, for a change.


Anonymous said...

Macy Gray is dumb. Gray hair commercial people are also dumb, but so am I because I would not have noticed their error. I like how you classify the "END ROAD WORK" sign as a "protest/road sign." That got an 'lol' from me. And seriously, why does voicemail play my old messages before playing my new messages? The answer is because they are dumb. Gnarles is a weird name, and that song is also weird. Sonic Drive-In is delicious. 42nd Street throuh 7th and 8th avenues=annoying and really dumb. This is now the end of the most enlightening comment you have ever seen.