Pret-tay, pret-tay, pret-tay bad

I had a "Curb Your Enthusiasm" moment a couple of weeks ago when I was at the gas station. Mr. David, if you should want to include this in your show at some point, feel free, as long as I receive a guest spot on your show in return. (You're welcome.)

So on my way home from work one night, I pull into one of those gas stations that's exclusively full-service. When I have the option, I always prefer self-service to avoid incidents like the following.

The gas station attendant fills up my Tiburon's tank at a cost of $30.50. Being the anal-retentive freak that I often am, I give the gas station attendant exact change while sitting in my car. During this transaction, he drops one of the two quarters and the fallen coin rolls around on the dark pavement to parts unknown. The attendant kindly says, "Don't worry about it." His response annoys me.

In reality, I drive home at that point without incident. But here's how I picture the scene unfolding with me/Larry David in the car and special guest star Paul Scheer as the attendant:

Me: "Uh, aren't you going to pick that up right now?"
Him: "Hmm?"
Me: "The quarter. Aren't you going to find it?"
Him: "Nah, I'll find it later."
Me: "Huh. (Tilts head during three-second pause) Okaaay."
Him: "What?"
Me: "So, the quarter'll just sit there."
Him: "I'll look for it later."
Me: "No, you won't. It's pitch black out! Tomorrow morning, someone else could take it."
Him (miffed): "What's it to you? You paid in full."
Me: "But I didn't pay for someone else to walk by and pick it up! That's a waste of my money!"
Him: "Look, buddy, whatever happens to that quarter is my business now."
Me: "Not if you never see it again!" (Gets out of car.)
Him: "What are you doing?"
Me (Palm outstretched): Give me that other quarter back."
Him: "What?"
Me: "You heard me. If you aren't going to use that quarter you won't bother to find, I'll use the other one. Give it back!"
Him: "That's ridiculous! That gas cost you $30.50, and that's what you gave me! Get off my property!"
Me: "Not until you give me that other quarter!"
Him: "It's. A freakin'. Quarter!"
Me: "But it's my quarter!"
Him: "No, it's not!"

A scrum unfolds, and a cigarette lighter that carried some mildly amusing significance earlier in the episode falls out of my pocket and ignites a pool of gasoline next to the pumps. Seeing this, the attendant and I bolt off the property just in time to watch the entire gas station explode. We look at each other silently, mouths agape.

(BUM, BUM, BUM, dadalada-da-dadalada-da-dun-dun-dunnn, dun-dun-dun dadalada-da-dadala-da, da-dun! Whee! Boom!)*

*This was my sorry attempt at the show's opening/closing theme song. Preceded by my sorry attempt to write a script for a show that's supposed to be improvised. My apologies.

Reverse the (Campbell's Soup) curse

Call me crazy, but I'm guessing before Seattle Seahawks quarterback Matt Hasselbeck agreed to an endorsement deal with the Campbell's Soup people, he asked them to wait until he got hurt before releasing the ads to prevent more serious injury. I hadn't seen any of his ads prior to this week's Monday Night Football game, when he returned to play after missing a month with a knee injury.

You think I'm kidding? Witness the brothy burdens placed upon fellow Campbell's Soup pitchmen, Donovan McNabb (torn ACL, out for the season) and Ben Roethlisberger (appendectomy/motorcycle accident without a helmet), whose ads appeared before their more serious injuries.

I mean, "Soup is Good Food" and all that, but it won't help you when you're on Injured Reserve.

Bringing a little Basketweaving to the tri-county area

Thanks to my Gannett colleague Ted Mann, I am the newest contributor to The Journal News' entertainment blog, Suburbarazzi. Basically, it covers any news involving celebrities who have a connection to Westchester, Putnam and Rockland counties.

Take a looksie at my first Suburbarazzi contribution as well as my quasi-professional bio for that site!

Who's got the best faces this fall?

If the year is 1988, the answer is Balki, Roseanne and Columbo:



Gotta love the emotional, soulful solo at the end, complete with piano vamp.

T-E-A-M! TEEEEAMWORK!

Maybe I'm just bitter I never made it past the New York City audition to be one of those "Reading Rainbow" book reviewers. But here's some sweet, sweet revenge that takes the form of a "music video," whose lyrics I still know verbatim some 20 years later:


I'll attempt to pick 10 sequential highlights from the infinite options:

1. Wow, where to start? OK, how about the skintight florescent green and pink outfits? Also, those girls don't have a lot of, um, coverage on the lower half. Thank you, Public Broadcasting!

2. At the 52-second mark, you'll see a random finger-pointing action, which makes no sense unless you remember the whole episode. If I recall correctly, earlier in the show, video director Sammy Dallas Bayes was looking for a way to pep up this sequence, so music director Steve Horelick agreed to add a spiffy drum riff to the score. So the finger-wagging was a cue to the viewer: "Hey, remember that part we added?" Yes, and that has made all the difference.

3. At the 1:13 mark, the waitress/dancer on the right makes a phenomenal one-handed grab of three falling paper plates. It would have been even more impressive if the plates weren't taped or glued together in some way, as closer inspection appears to reveal. But still, nice grab there, Alice!

4. At the 1:20 mark, is it just me, or does the chef look a lot like Clayton from "Benson"?

5. At the 1:55 mark, check out the last leg of the human-made fire engine. Just how exactly is the piggybacking woman contributing to said teamwork?

6. At the 2:02 mark, LeVar Burton's attempt to help with the ladder is weak at best, a nuisance at worst.

7. From the 2:22 to 2:46 marks, well... there are no words. Bonus points for a basketball backboard that looks like it was a fourth-grader's art project.

8. Some totally rad Van Halen-esque guitar licks from the 3:16 to 3:25 marks. It's seriously impressive. PBS seems to understand that even as an 8-year-old, I WANNA ROCK!

9. At the end, I love how all of the dancers get so excited. But what are they excited about, exactly? And yet, it's quite endearing.

10. LeVar gives us sage advice. LeVar is the greatest. I'm not joking.

UPDATE: Thanks to GorillaMask and Cracked for the awesome linkage action! That's what happens when we work together... as a team!

ANOTHER UPDATE: Thanks to the 6,000-plus(!) people who visited this blog post on Nov. 22! That's teamtastic.

'Avenue Q' meets 'Whose Line Is It Anyway?'

As someone who takes improv comedy classes, I know how difficult it can be to be funny in front of an audience without a script. But I'm not lugging around a piece of felt while I'm doing it.

So, of course I was taken aback Monday night when I was flipping through the channels and found the choreographer from Showgirls on TBS, taking audience suggestions for improv scenes featuring foul-mouthed comedians strapped to carefully constructed pieces of felt.

Hand-happy hilarity, thy name is Puppet Up.

I'll say this much, as many scenes flopped like Snuffleupagus' nose, but others were really, really clever and amusing. The level of difficulty, of course, was unlike anything I had seen in the world of improv, so even when I didn't laugh, I admired the unbelievable multitasking.

No pressure or anything: Just stick with the audience suggestion, be funny, synchronize your off-the-cuff words and defined expressions with those of the puppet, be funny, interact with other puppets, keep it aligned with live cameras that crop you out of the picture, and be funny. Otherwise, it's totally easy.

If these guys ever gig in New York City, I'll definitely be in the audience.

If the concept of R-rated Muppets sounds oxymoronic to you, just remember that Jim Henson's creations were supposed to be a prominent part of "Saturday Night Live" when the show launched. So hearing his puppeteers, more than 30 years later, cursing up a storm isn't too farfetched.

Somewhat related: I'd just like to give a shout-out to any celebrity who's ever been on "Sesame Street." You earn automatic cred with me. (Remember: Put down the duckie if you wanna play the saxophone.)

My iPod's ancient

But, really, what's my incentive to get a new one? Every six months, Apple releases better, smaller and sleeker models with video capabilities and other party favors. I'd have wasted thousands of dollars at this point if I bought every upgrade.

So for now, I'll stick with my glorified Walkman. Even if the music, screen and backlight like to freeze while I'm listening to Destiny's Child's "Bootylicious." Not embarrassing at all.

Evidently, it's not enough for me to want shows to succeed if I don't bother to watch them.

Call me a lazy American -- at least when it comes to trying new network TV shows. I prefer to root for some TV shows, rather than actually taking the time to watch them.

I really wanted "Arrested Development" to succeed. But I never watched a single episode, despite the fact that friends and family are convinced I'll be hooked on the DVDs.

I liked the premiere episode of "Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip," but haven't watched it since.

I've always laughed at the comedy stylings of Tina Fey, Alec Baldwin, Tracy Morgan and Rachel Dratch. But I've yet to catch "30 Rock." I mean, the guy who brought us Astronaut Jones alone should be enough incentive for me to watch, no?

And yet all of these shows are struggling to retain viewers on a weekly basis. Especially "Arrested Development," which is, um, not on TV anymore.

Maybe all of this has to do with the karmic implications of my rooting so hard against "Dancing With The Stars."

Enough about me. Let's talk about me.

Want to learn more about me? Here's a good way to do so.

I am your father's brother's nephew's cousin's former roommate

You can now get to this page via the more recognizable and more-annoying-to-type www.VarsityBasketweaving.com.

You can still get here the old way, but I figured landing the domain name would be a great way to solidify my blog identity. Or something.

Honoring the Man In Black who never used a Neuralizer to erase people's memories

Found this spiffy black-and-white tribute video to Johnny Cash on BestWeekEver.tv's site today:



Some thoughts:

- This video's jam-packed with A-list celebrities who have made a name for themselves with years and years' worth of work -- and Corinne Bailey Rae. I like her one song and all, but jeez, even Lisa Marie Presley has more of a right to be in this thing.

- Also, perhaps my favorite part, keep an eye out for the Bill Parcells look-alike at the 2:18 mark.

- Chicken vs. egg debate: Was Cash's version released first, or was Moby's "Run On" the predecessor? Both very different, both very cool.

'I'm crushing your head' meets 'Krush Groove'

While reading the display on my Sirius satellite radio this morning, I deduced that Dave Foley had found work in between seasons of "Celebrity Poker Showdown."

I quickly realized that rap duo Kidz in the Hall, with a subtle change of one letter, had employed the services of neither a Foley nor a McCullogh.

Fun fact! I wanted to rip into the Kidz for their blatant name rip-off, but they're actually pretty good. Reminiscent of Kanye West and OutKast, but a bit more old-school.

Nerd alert!

Let's hear it for the first movie franchise that will force me to go to the theatre on opening night for the third straight time.

Thus breaking my current record of two, held by, um, the Spider-Man franchise.

Because it's crucial to know which crooked logo belongs to Yahoo!

I love logos. You should too.

That's why you should take this test. It's timed, so you have to be fast, be accurate and avoid productivity.

(Via BestWeekEver.tv.)

Star Wars: A New Hope

After two years that tore America apart, hope returned to our nation with Election Day results.

And I hear there was some kind of votey-type thing yesterday, too.