Bow down, minions! Oh, wait, those are onions.

I am drunk with power! Wait. No. Bourbon. Drunk with bourbon.

Does whatever a shampoo can

I worry I'm dismissing Spidey Sense as dry scalp.

Mind over Vanna

We will never advance as a society as long as "Wheel of Fortune" has higher median payouts than "Jeopardy."

DJ Got Us Fearin' The End

Sorry, Usher, but if I have to dance dance like it's the last last night of my life life, it's gonna look a lot like flailing and trampling.

I feel the pain of extinction / Then I feel nothing

The stegosaurus was the hipster of the Jurassic: Body mohawk, vegan diet and overprotective about Dinosaur Jr.

Does bronze chafe?

If first is the worst and second is the best, there probably aren’t a lot of metrosexual bronze medalists.

Your desk! Look at your desk, woman!

Top this

Top Chef > Top Chef Masters chefs > Top Chef chefs > Top Chef Masters > Top Kill

Honest slogans

The Parents Television Council: Fearing actual parenting since 1995.

Quantum Leaps

Every time I hear Sam Rockwell, I confuse him with Dean Stockwell, who was paired with a TV character named Sam.

Does the FBI have Google?

Because one search would have found the Times Square bomb suspect much sooner:

But he's so dreamy!

Twitter limits Tweets to 140 characters and bios to 160. Your life is only 14 percent more valuable than your shout-out to Justin Bieber.

Hugh Hefner saves the Hollywood sign

But now it will bask in soft lighting and get its O's enlarged.

Forget tonight, I need you right now

Take one of my favorite bands of all time (INXS), let Beck and his buddies rearrange one of their classics, and you get this sexbomb:

Record Club: INXS "Need You Tonight" from Beck Hansen on Vimeo.

Busted mid-burger

Where's the HBO Confessionals spinoff in which Wendy's customers admit to knowing too many lyrics to George Benson's "Turn Your Love Around"?

Because Thomas Jefferson always wanted to be lumped in with the 'Mayor' of your local Walmart

Now that the Library of Congress is archiving Tweets, all I have to do to find a Tweet that's more than three days old is fly to D.C.

See me after class

Those who say "Those who can't, teach" are those who will never learn.

This Buffalo Wild Wings is like some kind of ... Hot Wings Time Machine!

Odd coincidence, considering I saw this LED display just footsteps away from the movie theater, where I'd just seen "Hot Tub Time Machine."

There's a moment in the movie when Craig Robinson starts to play "Jesse's Girl" and the audience gears up for something awesome to happen, then the camera suddenly cuts away. It's typical for a movie that's always in on the joke, which is only funny half the time.

Battle of the UnADtainables: Axe Lady v. Heineken Lady

Due to popular demand and a seemingly unending phalanx of commercial hotties on the warpath for our attention (and, let's face it, money), it's time for another Battle of the UnADtainables.

Last week, Kia Lady and Kindle Lady fought to a tie in the comments section. That's fine with me; I keep changing my mind when I try to pick.

This week's edition, I have a feeling, will be a bit more lopsided, but so as not to influence votes, I will abstain for the time being. I give you Axe Lady v. Heineken Lady.

Axe Lady:
Name: Unknown. (Again: Seriously, Internet? Go to your room.)
Pros: Easily turned on; sees cushions as merely one way to harness the potential of a couch; pouty, pouty, pouty; caresses a couch arm with care yet authority; ridiculous pair of ... eyes, whose color I suddenly can't recall.
Cons: Is more aroused by hair than the guy beneath it; is content with being a tease; is associated with Axe body spray; likes nature documentaries, which are a more effective sleep aid than the crash after a cocktail of Red Bull, Vodka and Nyquil.

EXHIBIT A:


Heineken Lady:
Name: Alicia Rountree. (Google Images)
Pros: Sorry, French, but her body language just passed yours as most romantic; treats any floor like a runway; perfects the once-over that only happens to guys in beer commercials, movies and drunken Valentine's Day singles bars; bonus points for taboo conquest material; makes her intentions known without saying a word; angers ADWEEK commenters, despite the fact the ad is memorable for both the woman and the product.
Cons: Might not actually be able to say a word (insert hacky joke about how this is a good thing); might get you fired and lose interest in the same day; probably drinks something fruitier or harder than Heineken, meaning she's moved onto the stockbroker at the other end of the bar and your beer will be the only Heinie you'll be grabbing that night.

EXHIBIT B:


So who's hotter? Post your comments below. Explain your answer. See me after class.

Battle of the UnADtainables: Kia Lady v. Kindle Lady

And now for a new feature for an old blog: Battle of the UnADtainables — an excuse for me to post pictures/videos of commercial actresses who are out of my league to boost their egos and my blog hit count. Everybody wins! (But mostly they do.) Today's edition is a blonde battle: Kia Lady v. Kindle Lady.

Kia Lady:
Name: Unknown. (Seriously, Internet? Get on this already.)
Pros: Likes teddy bears; killer smile; makes the most memorable 3-second cameo among Super Bowl ads this side of Betty White; comes across as accessible as she is merely promoting a Kia; wears earmuffs that muffle my "OH MY GOD, SHE'S SO HOT!" exclamation from the other side of the TV.
Cons: Probably doesn't like it when men call her the Kia Lady as opposed to her unknown name; hasn't been seen in subsequent (shorter) versions of the commercial; is merely promoting a Kia; probably does not date men who drive a car by Kia or its affiliate, Hyundai; I have no easy access to hot tubs.
EXHIBIT A:


Kindle Lady:
Name: Annie Little.
Pros: That's actually her singing in the Kindle commercial; playful and imaginative; clothes fall off her while being pleasantly ejected from airplanes; has a great imagination; likes costumes; has appeared on "Mad Men."
Cons: Accident-prone (falls out of planes, off bicycles); hangs around stabby folk and bears; is a little too comfortable wearing a mustache; has been with Don Draper already, rendering all other men moot.
EXHIBIT B:


So who's hotter? Post your comments below.

Everything that's wrong with everything

Overheard on Project Runway: "Children nowadays are very fashion-forward. Especially when you're 8."

Stick to roses, champ

Remember, fellas: Ninety-eight percent of the "romantic" things that win over ladies in the movies backfire in real life. The only thing that'll be In Your Eyes is a restraining order.

Happy Valentine's Day(?)

Julian Casablancas' "Out of the Blue" sounds like Johnny Cash perked up and let Beck take over the Strokes' arrangements

And I absolutely dig it.

Your own friends' compliments aren't enough; you need to bolster your fragile ego with some stranger's drunken words about someone you don't know

Today's Facebook Game is Urban Dictionary Name Day — a glorified version of this...
... and apparently only for girls.

Stunting makeouts for 421 years

Name one movie love scene in which the removal of socks is neither comical nor awkward. Or any scene that features sock removal of any kind, for that matter.

Socks: The cause of movies' most boring deleted scenes, which are not even available on Blu-Ray.

NO, 1-800-FLOWERS, I WILL NOT BE SENDING 12 ROSES TO GET 6 FREE. (Yet.)

For singles, the month before Valentine's Day is like the month before Christmas, except the ads make you want to punch Cupid instead of Walmart.

For the record, I'm content with being single. I just think Valentine's Day was invented to make couples feel like they're better than everyone else.

Some people might argue, "But that's not the original intent behind Valentine's Day!" But you know what? That's not what people primarily celebrate anymore. Hey, Christmas was created to celebrate the birth of an entire religion, not to, say, buy a Lexus with a bow on top for your WASPy daughter's Sweet 16.

And taken guys taken guys don't have it much better than singles on V-Day. Taken guys have to be creative, avoid cliché, find perfect gift(s), be romantic and wow his mate in unprecedented fashion.

Taken ladies? Look pretty.

Married men probably can get away with buying one solid gift for their wives. Unmarried taken guys probably have to brainstorm three gifts and/or creative ideas and endure something inordinately girly in the process. ("Project Runway" does not apply here, because it is frickin' awesome.)

Basically, Valentine's Day's the only holiday that puts a burden on men and almost none on women. Ladies have it much rougher than guys on Arbor Day, though, so it totally evens out.

All the technical prowess of a rotary phone

Nielsen ratings are the land-line phone bills of the 21st century.