'I'm a little teacup, short and AAAAAAAAGH!!!'

I'm never really rooting against Lindsay Lohan (unless she's singing), but this CNN story has a comic quality to it for no fewer than five reasons:

- It's front-page news today that L-Lo basically fell down and went boom. Last week.

- Quote No. 1 from mommy Dina Lohan, emphasis mine:

"She and her friends were preparing breakfast, with eggs and everything, and Lindsay was going up the stairs, carrying a ceramic teacup."

Breakfast with eggs and everything? Wow, Lindsay's really livin' the high life. So to speak.

- Quote No. 2 from D-Lo, emphasis mine:

"She had just come out of the shower so she was still wet and had some lotion on, and she completely flipped on the stairs since it was slippery. The teacup went flying, it was shattered, and one of the pieces cut Lindsay in her shin."

Is her mom describing some late night Lindsay footage on Cinemax that the public doesn't know about? It's like her mom is trying to say, "My daughter is still uncommonly sexy, even when she's bleeding profusely."

- Quote No. 3 from Mommy Loohah, no emphasis needed:

"It was an accident."

So, Dina goes through this detailed, lurid story about lotion and eggs and friends... then follows it up with the redundant "It was an accident"? I wasn't doubting the story before, but now I'm picturing some nasty LiLo catfight that likely didn't happen. Thanks for planting the seed of doubt, Ms. Lo!

- CNN calls the younger Lohan an "actress-singer."

That's like calling me a "journalist-dietician." I eat, but not well.