My brain just never got past the shiny power tools and bathroom jokes

I'm an idiot. At age 30, I just realized the title of the ABC show "Home Improvement" has a meaning that does not involve construction or renovation. This epiphany struck me as powerfully as if I'd learned that "Seinfeld" was a pun because he Felt Signs of the mundane.

To compensate, I decided to create unintended double meanings for TV show titles. You're welcome.

Bronze: "Jeopardy!" - The danger of losing viewers when contestants are interviewed by Trebek.
Silver: "Desperate Housewives" - The only viewers who remain.
Gold: "Dateline NBC" - Chris Hansen's dating service, with a twist.

Having too much fun on Twitter writing content with the hash-tag #FakeLarryKing

"I love the expression 'The cat's meow,' because that's exactly what they do. ... Before I go to bed, I sit in my underwear and suspenders, shouting out first names and cities, just to stay sharp. ... I fired the set designer when I found out the map behind me wasn't made with Lite-Brite."

Thanks to my friend Cliff who brought #FakeLarryKing to my attention.

Suburban Street Cred

- Getting shot 9 times by immunization needles
- A gleaming new grill that cooks things
- A hot collabo between French dip and au jus
- Busting a cap and frantically calling a dentist
- Dropping an album then rubbing the dust off it

25,158 Facebook employees have nothing better to do with their time

It's a fact: 16 percent of CNN voters, who may or may not work for Facebook, think you don't own anything you think you own.
Eek.

'Paul Blart: Mall Cop' is totally sweeping the Oscars

The good folks at BestWeekEver.tv today referred me to a Los Angeles Times article that mulls the surprise hit that has been "Paul Blart: Mall Cop." And while I've always found Kevin James to be mildly amusing, imagine my surprise when I saw this photo blurb one-third of the way down the page:
I assure you: This pic is an undoctored screen-grab.

It's as if James is looking past the fourth wall, shouting, "Haaa! I'm comin' for YOU, 'Slumdog Millionaire.' Suck my Benjamin Button!"

Anoop Dogg's got chops

Gotta love Anoop Desai, who was critiqued for his "American Idol" audition attire, but certainly not for his voice, as evidenced by his college a cappella group's take on Justin Timberlake's "My Love":

Love this guy already.

5 honors Hollywood reveres more than a People's Choice Award

Dry-clean the vomit off your tux and brush the coke off your ballgown, thespians! It's awards season! No better time to hit up your booty call du jour, invite him/her out to the red carpet for some mind-numbing questions from the peanut gallery and have a seat at a classy hugfest where all the stars shine so brightly -- mostly due to the way flood lights reflect off Botoxed foreheads.

So what's the reason for everyone getting all gussied up tonight? The Oscars? The Emmys? The Golden Globes, a.k.a. the Drunk OscEmmys? Nope, Hollywood's brightest stars -- or at least those who haven't already started pre-gaming at Jack Nicholson's pad for the Golden Globes -- will be breaking out the finewear this evening in their neverending quest to land the coveted People's Choice Award.


Unlike Kate Winslet (pictured above, sorta), who was only nominated for one PCA in 2005, Meryl Streep's got a half-dozen of these Visine Customer Service Awards. Deep down, you know Streep regifted her Oscars to Aunt Gertie and showcases her six PeChArds on the mantel of her golden fireplace, where James Lipton pays a tithe to worship weekly.

OK, let's face it. There's a reason these glorified paperweights are shaped like a giant tear. Emmanuel Lewis won one. Quite possibly last year.

For this reason alone, I present five honors Hollywood reveres more than a People's Choice Award:

5. Prom King
Although I dare you to name your high school Prom King, he probably was charismatic and got tons of action. Compare that to winning a People's Choice Award, which might be the Hollywood aphrodisiac equivalent of grafting two extra noses to your face.

4. The National Hockey League's Lady Byng Memorial Trophy
Despite the fact that Wayne Gretzky repeatedly won this award, this is essentially the league's way of letting you know you're a wuss. You're basically being celebrated for your ability to absorb punches better than you can throw them -- a huge asset in Hollywood.

3. FDA inspection certificate
Merely a thank-you for not poisoning the masses. Good thing Michael Bay hasn't opened a restaurant yet.

2. Cable ACE award
Unlike the PCA, the ACE can be used as a trowel immediately after the ceremony. Put it right next to your Garden Weasel! Makes a great gift.

1. Validated parking slip
Your soul might be crying for validation after acting on "Two and a Half Men," but at least your Beamer won't be ticketed.

AD WIZARDS: 'Wire' actors resort to consulting with Diddy, singing and dancing about gambling

I got into "The Wire" very late in its run. I caught the final season, raved about it, then, in an inspired fit, NetFlix'd the first four seasons and smoked through 'em like Omar and a pack of Newports.

But I noticed a disturbing trend in the months that followed. Instead of landing the starring roles they deserve in major motion pictures, some of the actors on what might be the greatest series in TV history have instead been hawking various goods and services. And while I certainly don't hold it against them, it's a bummer to say the least.

Three examples immediately come to mind.

Lance Reddick (Deputy Commissioner Cedric Daniels) for Cadillac
Tough-as-nails Daniels had to deal with a maniacal McNulty in Season 5 while trying to keep his sordid past out of the papers:


But he was evidently still cheery enough to channel his inner Santa:


Jim True-Frost (Roland 'Prez' Pryzbylewski) For Burger King
Haunted by the way his career ended with the police department, Prezbo tried to find redemption as a teacher. When one of his former students dropped out of school and sought help, Prez reluctantly offered his assistance. The result was a painful reality, delivered with nuance and heart by Frost.


Less nuanced was his question about what he should tell the masses about Burger King. Although video evidence of his appearance is tough to come by (he admits to doing the commercial here), Diddy's reply is:


David Costabile (Managing Editor Thomas Klebanow) for Mohegan Sun
Costabile's hard-nosed character was in denial about overwhelming evidence that his star reporter was fabricating the news. (Language NSFW)


So I suppose he had no choice but to get away and blow off some steam -- and his kids' college savings -- at the Sun. While singing and dancing, of course.


At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if "Wire" creator David Simon were sitting in a closet, offering advice to old ladies and preparing to dance all night long.

Summing up 2008 in one word

Thanks, Wedding Bobby:

Hooray for cute redheads selling stuff

Don't get me wrong, it's nice to be a blonde or brunette, but here's a shout-out to two eye-catching redheads doing their part in pitching goods to consumers.

Exhibit A:
Product: Weatherproof garments.
Name of redhead: Unknown.
Most prominent appearance: Times Square billboard.
Attire: Weatherproof jacket. Heels. Possibly nothing else.
Attitude: Overly pleased by jacket.
Result: I am equally pleased.
Bonus points: The billboard changes on a regular basis -- I'm guessing every few months or so -- giving pedestrians a bit of a fashion show from said redhead.
Potential downfall: If, like fellow redhead Shirley Manson, she's only happy when it rains.
Random tangent: If I ever understood what the "for days" part of the phrase "Legs for days" meant, that would probably apply here.

Exhibit B:

Product: Bud Light.
Name of redhead: Christina Murphy, it appears.
Most prominent appearance: Frequently airs during Sunday NFL football games.
Attire: Snug No. 22 t-shirt, skinny jeans.
Attitude: Snark for days.
Result: I'm a sucker for a pretty girl with a bit of sarcasm.
Bonus points: Her comfort with a football makes it seem like she'd be up for watching the game. Or at least talking about beer.
Potential downfall: If she follows everything you say with a 30-second diatribe about how you're exaggerating. "You think the wait at the dentist's office is too long? Really? The wait at the post office is too long. The wait at the DMV is too long. The wait for Halley's Comet is too long...."
Random tangent: "Drinkability" might be the dullest ad pitch ever, but the casting agent was at least smart to land an attractive woman to pitch it.

The right and wrong way to sell your luxury vehicle this holiday season

For once, I'm not going to dump on Toyota for an awful commercial campaign. Instead, I will rag on its more luxurious affiliate, Lexus.

Let's look at the way two luxury car companies handle a simple concept: Buying our vehicle will make you feel like you were when you were a kid getting the best holiday present ever.

Successful attempt by Acura:

Why successful? The kids are cute, the joy is palpable and you don't want to smack the adult customer as he drives away in his new toy.

Horrendous attempt by Lexus:

Why horrendous? Only rich and/or spoiled kids got ponies as presents, immediately alienating most TV viewers. And while rich kids shouldn't be inherently punished for being born into wealth, they should be called out for taking joy in the jealousy of their less-fortunate neighbors. So how does karma kick in for this little brat later in life? Her sugar daddy gets her a Lexus for Christmas.

Um, yeah. I'm liking my Hyundai more and more.

In Defense Of ... Katy Perry, Brett Favre, Frank Caliendo and Robin Williams

There are some folks out there that don't need some tool with an erratically updated blog to defend them. But every now and then, when haters gotta hate, bloggers gotta blog in response.

I'm not sure why I feel it's my duty to stick up for the people who are targets for whatever reason, but I am posting these defenses without any intended irony. Plus, I'm sick on a Saturday night and looking for something to do, so now's as good a time as any.

In Defense Of... Katy Perry
The haters say she's one-dimensional, ditsy and overproduced. And yeah, she flopped onto a giant cake overseas. But the easy thing to do would've been to dismiss Perry as a one-hit wonder after "I Kissed A Girl," the catchy yet gimmicky lipstick-lesbian tune. To the credit of Perry and her A&R rep, her follow-up single of "Hot N Cold" is the real deal. She showcases her voice on the latter hit and has an underrated set of pipes (among other things). During a recent appearance on Howard Stern's radio show, she turned what I thought was going to be an awful acoustic rendition of "I Kissed A Girl" into a surprisingly nuanced and controlled performance. Plus, I think she's embraced her tongue-in-cheek style in a way that's refreshing in a world of narcissistic "talents" in the music industry these days.

In Defense Of... Brett Favre
The guy who just couldn't do anything wrong in the eyes of the media while playing for the Packers pretty much ruined that sentiment when he retired and unretired every 14 seconds. It was pure torture for not only Green Bay fans, but also everyone else in the country who just wanted to read about anything else on ESPN.com. And when NASCAR almost becomes a more relevant story, that's a bad sign. But thankfully, once Favre was traded to the Jets, he brought a ton of buzz to a franchise that hasn't felt it since Broadway Joy came through on his Super Bowl guarantee. And despite the off-season drama, it's easy to see why the rejuvenated Jets have responded to him: He loves to play the game and makes everyone around him better. If he can avoid another postseason meltdown, he might just become the Mark Messier of Gang Green.

In Defense Of... Frank Caliendo
We go from Favre to the guy who made a name for himself parodying John Madden's unhealthy undying affection for Favre. Haters say the "MadTV" alum wore out his welcome not only for beating the Madden impression to death but for being involved in "FrankTV," the TBS sketch comedy series whose aggressive ad campaign turned viewers off to the show before they ever thought about turning it on. On top of this, some of his impressions are at best mediocre (Jerry Seinfeld) and as ESPN's Bill "Sports Guy" Simmons pointed out recently, all of them seem to involve people over the age of 45. While I won't defend "FrankTV" -- it's at best inconsistent, at worst a snore -- Caliendo himself is, dare I say, "very funny." His stand-up is artfully well-crafted and requires a precision that many stand-ups either don't or can't pull off. The way he shifts from character to character both in terms of voice and body language within fractions of a second is nothing short of astounding.

In Defense of ... Robin Williams
Now we go to the inspiration of one of Caliendo's impressions: Haters say the often over-the-top Williams steals material from other comedians and plays the same character in all of his comedic movies. And while I can't possibly know if or how much material Williams has stolen from other comics, I believe it's more about his incredible retention of all things funny and less about malicious intent. Besides, his delivery is one of a kind. One of the best stand-up sets I've ever seen was his 2002 HBO special, "Live on Broadway," which had my sides sore and my eyes tearing upon multiple views. And while one could make the argument that many of his cinematic characters in comedies are regurgitations of his schizophrenic act, his dramatic work is outstanding outside of the occasional "Patch Adams." (Then again, what dramatic actor hasn't had a clunker now and then?) He's a legit Oscar-winner, after all. Plus, the guy earns bonus points from me for showing up unannounced on multiple occasions at Manhattan's Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre to perform improv with house troupes. From what I've read, the performers and audience members had nothing but raves to say about not only his comedy but also his team-oriented approach.

No, this wasn't performed by Cornell's Do-Re-Amigos

Even if you hate a cappella, you'll still love this. How can you not?

- Michael Jackson's "Thriller"? Check.
- Sung with a French accent? Check.
- Performed a cappella (without instruments)? Check.
- Arranged in SIXTY-FOUR PARTS that can be viewed simultaneously? Check.
- Mind-blowingly amazing arrangement once Vincent Price's voice-over kicks in at the 4:24 mark? CHECK!

So, uh, check it out:


The only complaint I have is that the lead vocal uses falsetto as a crutch as much as I do, but really, that's nit-picky considering just how fun this video is.

Via Michelle Collins at BestWeekEver.tv.

R.I.P. My Casio SK-1, 1985-2008

This baby lasted me 23 years and was seriously used during every year of that span:

I bought a "real" keyboard today -- a no-frills Yamaha YPT-210 -- but it's not nearly as fun when you don't have the "sample" feature that allows you to play dog barks (or fart noises) in different pitches.

And for you hard-core SK-1 fans, I give you this:

I Can Has CheezStatler

This is my first-ever submission to I Can Has Cheezburger, which has a pretty solid on-site program for assembling your own LOLSTUFFZ and submitting them. Click on the pic to rate it.