There's a slap for that

The same people who tell you to "Get a Mac" when you have a problem with a PC are likely to say "Get a sister" when your brother dies.

Merry SMSmas

Perhaps the only thing more disingenuous than friends' impersonal texts wishing me (and countless others) happy holidays is the anger I allegedly feel about getting them.

Hey, you're not Ringo!

I wonder how many kidnappings transpired in 1966 due to shady van-drivers' shouting "The Magical Mystery Tour is waiting to take you away!" at gullible hippies.

Also, supermodel girlfriend, I'm dumping you

Where's my personal chef? Nonexistent? He's fired!

Shocking confession

The fifth dentist doesn't recommend Trident because, quite frankly, he needs the business.

"Yes, And..."? More like "No, But...."

Perhaps my greatest failure as an improv comedian was my inability to make out with other failed improv comedians.

A soft-serve by any other name

Just call me Mr. Softee. More accurately, call the ice cream truck guy that. Most accurately, don't call anyone that, as it is a fake name.

Putting the LOL in Gillooly

I just told a dancer to break legs, plural, at her next performance. It's at least twice the luck, maybe more, depending on how much pain she inflicts upon others.

Look out!

"Don't take this the wrong way" is much easier to accept when it involves traffic patterns, but both versions can crush you.

Staying in is the new going out, says my quiet cell phone

Even my sink is disappointed that I'm staying home tonight:
The handle is the single, perfect tear.

Hot dogs, cuisine of the world's most eligible bachelors. (Not necessarily by choice.)

Disconnected

Erasing memories is hard, but erasing phone numbers is a start.

Be still my beating heart (but get the defibrillator ready just in case)

Everybody's got a hungry heart, but mine's clogged because it wants bacon.

If WPLJ were a person...

...it'd be Rob Thomas.

I scream

My birthday's coming up. If there were 31 flavors for each year of my life, my 13th would be Awkward Chip Cookie D'oh, and most of the rest would be some combo of chocolate and shame.

I conned The Journal News into letting me write about 'Mad Men'

One of my favorite articles I've written for The Journal News and LoHud.com is the following interactive map of "Mad Men" landmarks in Westchester. Serious props go to Chris Brown for his amazing Flash skills.

Click on the picture below to be transported back to a simpler, fictional time:

WHAT is the DEAL with THAT?

The synth trumpets in Suzanne Vega and DNA's "Tom's Diner" (first heard at the 48-second mark) ...


... are just like those used from the 11-second mark on in the theme to "Seinfeld" ...


... whose characters meet there to eat.

Before I get the snooty/snotty comments, I'm well aware the restaurant is remade into "Monk's" on the show, but the real-life name of the place is Tom's.

The fallout of Archie's marriage proposal to Veronica

Loser: Betty.
Winner: Jughead.

Does TSA actually stand for Talking Sexily Aloud?

The Transportation Security Administration posts this advice on making your airport line experience as quick as possible:

"If a security officer needs to inspect a package, they may have to unwrap your gift."

If that's not the TSA's go-to pick-up line, I don't know what is. (RELATED.)

Also, ladies, underwire bras can set off airport metal detectors, according to the same, very lonely TSA peronnel.

As one friend of mine added, "They also have to remove them themselves. (They're) trained professionals."

Because mouth to mouth isn't just for making out

When I think of some girls, my heart skips a beat. Then I put down the burger and punch my sternum.

We try to say goodbye

Macy Gray will be on the new season of "Dancing With The Stars." I wonder if she'll dance to all of her hit.

When advertising works too well

In tonight's Yankee game on YES, the logo for the GEICO Play of the Game wound up obscuring the GEICO Play of the Game:
It's even more amusing/bemusing in video form:

Yearning and burning

Both Jeff Buckley's "Hallelujah" and Poison's "Every Rose Has Its Thorn" start with a deep breath, but only one ends with chlamydia.

Fun with the Twitter hashtag #failedwesterns

Here are some of my submissions for the #failedwesterns Twitter meme that trended last week. I noticed some of these were later Tweeted by some of the people I follow and respect on Twitter, so that was a pretty cool coincidence.

• Hi, Noon!
• 3:10 To Yo Mama
• Dances With Robert Wuhl
• Middle-Aged Guns
• Bronzerado
• Rio Bravo's Real Housewives of Deadwood
• Lonesome Dove, sponsored by Dove Moisturizing Cream
• The Assassination of Jessie Spano by the Coward Caffeine Pills
• The Assassination of Rick James by the Coward Cocaine
• City Slickers II: The Legend of Curly's Gold
• Sorry, We Can't Wire Cash To Your Mom*

*Whoops, that was for the hashtag #failedwesternunion

For someone who's never smoked pot (but has nothing against it), I had a lot of fun with this

Here are my submissions for the #stonerlit Twitter meme launched today by blog god Alex Blagg:

• Bong Quixote
• The Smugglers Karamazov
• For Whom The Joint Rolls
• Spliff Family Robinson
• The Blunt of Monte Cristo
• Doug Benson Crusoe
• Indifferent Expectations
• Baked Expectations
• Crime And Totally Unreasonable Punishment Under The Rockefeller Laws

Kim Ployable?

Sometimes I think Kim Possible grew up, fell on hard times, and settled for a job as Erin Esurance.

Instant first-class upgrade

How many frequent flier miles did Hillsborough Cty's medical examiner get for saying Billy Mays died of heart disease?

Unnecessary Sequels: "Seacrest/Nixon"

Other contributions of mine to last week's #unnecessarysequels hashtag phenomenon on Twitter:

• "Imagine That First Movie Was Good"
• "Borat 2: Everyone He Meets Already Knows Who He Is"
• "Purple Wintry Mix With Chance Of Hail"
• "12 Men At Peace With Their Verdict"
• "Malcolm XI"

One celebrity I hope lives another 150 years

Enjoy your stay, Bernie!

Fun with the Twitter hashtag #coolbandsmadeuncool

My contributions to today's #coolbandsmadeuncool craze on Twitter:

• Nick Jr Mafia
• Public Enema
• David Baba Bowie
• The Police Academy
• Alice In Lanyards
• A.C. Slater
• Boys to Adolescents
• Ramone
• The Ring Dings
• stellaampersandd&
• CNBC Music Factory
• C&C Cola Factory
• Cinderella, No, Really, We're Reaching Out To The Toddler Demographic
• Duran Duran Duran Duran Duran Duran Duran
• The Killers After They Were Overplayed

Fun with the Twitter hashtag #nicerfilmtitles

My contributions to last week's #nicerfilmtitles craze on Twitter:

• Sexyback Mountain
• Two Fists Full Of Hundreds
• 10 Weeks
• Mr. Smith Goes To Washington State
• Glengarry, Meet Ross From "Friends"
  
• Elmo Is Not On Fire
• Natural Born Phyllis Dillers
• Greatfellas
• Land of the GPS
• Brunch Club
• He's Just That Into You
• American Crème Brûlée
• Regular Size Me
• 12 Happy Men
• Reservoir Fluffy Bunnies
• Smart & Smarter
• No Need To Save Private Ryan Because There Is No War
• Finding Nemo's Mom Is Not Actually Dead

The reigning champ though is by my buddy Courtney Elnow, who busted out The Good, The Also Good, and the Great Personality.

My brain just never got past the shiny power tools and bathroom jokes

I'm an idiot. At age 30, I just realized the title of the ABC show "Home Improvement" has a meaning that does not involve construction or renovation. This epiphany struck me as powerfully as if I'd learned that "Seinfeld" was a pun because he Felt Signs of the mundane.

To compensate, I decided to create unintended double meanings for TV show titles. You're welcome.

Bronze: "Jeopardy!" - The danger of losing viewers when contestants are interviewed by Trebek.
Silver: "Desperate Housewives" - The only viewers who remain.
Gold: "Dateline NBC" - Chris Hansen's dating service, with a twist.

Having too much fun on Twitter writing content with the hash-tag #FakeLarryKing

"I love the expression 'The cat's meow,' because that's exactly what they do. ... Before I go to bed, I sit in my underwear and suspenders, shouting out first names and cities, just to stay sharp. ... I fired the set designer when I found out the map behind me wasn't made with Lite-Brite."

Thanks to my friend Cliff who brought #FakeLarryKing to my attention.

Suburban Street Cred

- Getting shot 9 times by immunization needles
- A gleaming new grill that cooks things
- A hot collabo between French dip and au jus
- Busting a cap and frantically calling a dentist
- Dropping an album then rubbing the dust off it

25,158 Facebook employees have nothing better to do with their time

It's a fact: 16 percent of CNN voters, who may or may not work for Facebook, think you don't own anything you think you own.
Eek.

'Paul Blart: Mall Cop' is totally sweeping the Oscars

The good folks at BestWeekEver.tv today referred me to a Los Angeles Times article that mulls the surprise hit that has been "Paul Blart: Mall Cop." And while I've always found Kevin James to be mildly amusing, imagine my surprise when I saw this photo blurb one-third of the way down the page:
I assure you: This pic is an undoctored screen-grab.

It's as if James is looking past the fourth wall, shouting, "Haaa! I'm comin' for YOU, 'Slumdog Millionaire.' Suck my Benjamin Button!"

Anoop Dogg's got chops

Gotta love Anoop Desai, who was critiqued for his "American Idol" audition attire, but certainly not for his voice, as evidenced by his college a cappella group's take on Justin Timberlake's "My Love":

Love this guy already.

5 honors Hollywood reveres more than a People's Choice Award

Dry-clean the vomit off your tux and brush the coke off your ballgown, thespians! It's awards season! No better time to hit up your booty call du jour, invite him/her out to the red carpet for some mind-numbing questions from the peanut gallery and have a seat at a classy hugfest where all the stars shine so brightly -- mostly due to the way flood lights reflect off Botoxed foreheads.

So what's the reason for everyone getting all gussied up tonight? The Oscars? The Emmys? The Golden Globes, a.k.a. the Drunk OscEmmys? Nope, Hollywood's brightest stars -- or at least those who haven't already started pre-gaming at Jack Nicholson's pad for the Golden Globes -- will be breaking out the finewear this evening in their neverending quest to land the coveted People's Choice Award.


Unlike Kate Winslet (pictured above, sorta), who was only nominated for one PCA in 2005, Meryl Streep's got a half-dozen of these Visine Customer Service Awards. Deep down, you know Streep regifted her Oscars to Aunt Gertie and showcases her six PeChArds on the mantel of her golden fireplace, where James Lipton pays a tithe to worship weekly.

OK, let's face it. There's a reason these glorified paperweights are shaped like a giant tear. Emmanuel Lewis won one. Quite possibly last year.

For this reason alone, I present five honors Hollywood reveres more than a People's Choice Award:

5. Prom King
Although I dare you to name your high school Prom King, he probably was charismatic and got tons of action. Compare that to winning a People's Choice Award, which might be the Hollywood aphrodisiac equivalent of grafting two extra noses to your face.

4. The National Hockey League's Lady Byng Memorial Trophy
Despite the fact that Wayne Gretzky repeatedly won this award, this is essentially the league's way of letting you know you're a wuss. You're basically being celebrated for your ability to absorb punches better than you can throw them -- a huge asset in Hollywood.

3. FDA inspection certificate
Merely a thank-you for not poisoning the masses. Good thing Michael Bay hasn't opened a restaurant yet.

2. Cable ACE award
Unlike the PCA, the ACE can be used as a trowel immediately after the ceremony. Put it right next to your Garden Weasel! Makes a great gift.

1. Validated parking slip
Your soul might be crying for validation after acting on "Two and a Half Men," but at least your Beamer won't be ticketed.

AD WIZARDS: 'Wire' actors resort to consulting with Diddy, singing and dancing about gambling

I got into "The Wire" very late in its run. I caught the final season, raved about it, then, in an inspired fit, NetFlix'd the first four seasons and smoked through 'em like Omar and a pack of Newports.

But I noticed a disturbing trend in the months that followed. Instead of landing the starring roles they deserve in major motion pictures, some of the actors on what might be the greatest series in TV history have instead been hawking various goods and services. And while I certainly don't hold it against them, it's a bummer to say the least.

Three examples immediately come to mind.

Lance Reddick (Deputy Commissioner Cedric Daniels) for Cadillac
Tough-as-nails Daniels had to deal with a maniacal McNulty in Season 5 while trying to keep his sordid past out of the papers:


But he was evidently still cheery enough to channel his inner Santa:


Jim True-Frost (Roland 'Prez' Pryzbylewski) For Burger King
Haunted by the way his career ended with the police department, Prezbo tried to find redemption as a teacher. When one of his former students dropped out of school and sought help, Prez reluctantly offered his assistance. The result was a painful reality, delivered with nuance and heart by Frost.


Less nuanced was his question about what he should tell the masses about Burger King. Although video evidence of his appearance is tough to come by (he admits to doing the commercial here), Diddy's reply is:


David Costabile (Managing Editor Thomas Klebanow) for Mohegan Sun
Costabile's hard-nosed character was in denial about overwhelming evidence that his star reporter was fabricating the news. (Language NSFW)


So I suppose he had no choice but to get away and blow off some steam -- and his kids' college savings -- at the Sun. While singing and dancing, of course.


At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if "Wire" creator David Simon were sitting in a closet, offering advice to old ladies and preparing to dance all night long.