Bow down, minions! Oh, wait, those are onions.

I am drunk with power! Wait. No. Bourbon. Drunk with bourbon.

Does whatever a shampoo can

I worry I'm dismissing Spidey Sense as dry scalp.

Mind over Vanna

We will never advance as a society as long as "Wheel of Fortune" has higher median payouts than "Jeopardy."

DJ Got Us Fearin' The End

Sorry, Usher, but if I have to dance dance like it's the last last night of my life life, it's gonna look a lot like flailing and trampling.

I feel the pain of extinction / Then I feel nothing

The stegosaurus was the hipster of the Jurassic: Body mohawk, vegan diet and overprotective about Dinosaur Jr.

Does bronze chafe?

If first is the worst and second is the best, there probably aren’t a lot of metrosexual bronze medalists.

Your desk! Look at your desk, woman!

Top this

Top Chef > Top Chef Masters chefs > Top Chef chefs > Top Chef Masters > Top Kill

Honest slogans

The Parents Television Council: Fearing actual parenting since 1995.

Quantum Leaps

Every time I hear Sam Rockwell, I confuse him with Dean Stockwell, who was paired with a TV character named Sam.

Does the FBI have Google?

Because one search would have found the Times Square bomb suspect much sooner:

But he's so dreamy!

Twitter limits Tweets to 140 characters and bios to 160. Your life is only 14 percent more valuable than your shout-out to Justin Bieber.

Hugh Hefner saves the Hollywood sign

But now it will bask in soft lighting and get its O's enlarged.

Forget tonight, I need you right now

Take one of my favorite bands of all time (INXS), let Beck and his buddies rearrange one of their classics, and you get this sexbomb:

Record Club: INXS "Need You Tonight" from Beck Hansen on Vimeo.

Busted mid-burger

Where's the HBO Confessionals spinoff in which Wendy's customers admit to knowing too many lyrics to George Benson's "Turn Your Love Around"?