Monday, April 24, 2006

Do Not Pass Golden Gate Bridge, Do Not Collect $200

Picture a world where Mediterranean Avenue is replaced by the Mall of America, where Park Place becomes Central Park and where a final statement before a sudden jail sentence involes a quip about preferring that over another minute in the nearby Country Music Hall of Fame.

I want to hate the newest format of Monopoly, whose properties Internet users are helping to select through online voting. But there's something charming about the Here and Now edition, albeit a little bit flawed.

The designers of the new edition are cleverly changing the railroads to airports, which makes sense until you look at the list: New York's JFK airport (check), Chicago's O'Hare (check), Los Angeles' LAX (check) and ... Atlanta's Hartsfield-Jackson?! I think they selected this one just so they could continue the B&O Railroad tradition of featuring a form of transport with a "shared" name. Besides, B&O was always the best property to mock, so Fartsfield-Jackass should be no different. Better yet, since both members of OutKast hail from the A-T-L, I hereby declare that every time someone lands on Hartsfield-Jackson, all players must stand and booty-shake while singing: "It's Hartsfield-Jackson! (WOOOO!) I am fo' reaaaaal! I will make your Boeing airplane fly. I apologize for your flight time...."

Some of the cities in the Here and Now edition are obvious choices for the properties between Go and Free Parking. I like New York's properties (Times Square, Central Park and Broadway), although Yankee Stadium probably had more hits in Sunday's second inning than The Great White Way had in the last five years. And, for the right price, who wouldn't want to own Hollywood, South Beach and the White House? Oh wait, producers already own LA LA Land, tycoons and models rule the beach, and politicians always buy the White House. My mistake.

I'd also love to buy Fenway Park in Boston just so I could knock it down, build a Dunkin' Donuts in its place and move the team to Vegas. "Oh, yes, your team did win a World Series more recently than the Yankees, but now they'll never win one again. Mwooohahahaha!"

Other potential Monopoly cities might have, well, received a few sympathy votes from the gaming committee. I'm fine with giving New Orleans something to rally around, but Cleveland? I'd almost understand its inclusion if Parker Brothers offered options to vote for the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, LeBron James' crib or the jail where Wild Thing did time in "Major League." But not having any of those is unacceptable. That's Allstate's stand.

But before I rant more on how the democratically inspired Monopoly format takes the luster off the stodgy, old-timey original, let me remind myself that there are already about 9 million variants on the theme. So, I say, go for it, Brothers Parker!

Anyway, here's where you can participate in the blasphemy through May 12. And, among other things, here's where you can learn that the Monopoly man's name is, um, Mr. Monopoly.

2 comments:

Christine said...

I had to respond to: "I'd also love to buy Fenway Park in Boston just so I could knock it down, build a Dunkin' Donuts in its place and move the team to Vegas. 'Oh, yes, your team did win a World Series more recently than the Yankees, but now they'll never win one again. Mwooohahahaha!'"

It's time for the 86 year A-rod curse for the Yankees. It's not looking too good so far 3rd place.

Chris S. said...

The Yanks are in third place, it's true. But it's also April. And last I checked, Boston hasn't won a division title since the Paleolithic Era, so wake me up ... when September eh-ends.