Also, supermodel girlfriend, I'm dumping you

Where's my personal chef? Nonexistent? He's fired!

Shocking confession

The fifth dentist doesn't recommend Trident because, quite frankly, he needs the business.

"Yes, And..."? More like "No, But...."

Perhaps my greatest failure as an improv comedian was my inability to make out with other failed improv comedians.

A soft-serve by any other name

Just call me Mr. Softee. More accurately, call the ice cream truck guy that. Most accurately, don't call anyone that, as it is a fake name.

Putting the LOL in Gillooly

I just told a dancer to break legs, plural, at her next performance. It's at least twice the luck, maybe more, depending on how much pain she inflicts upon others.

Look out!

"Don't take this the wrong way" is much easier to accept when it involves traffic patterns, but both versions can crush you.

Staying in is the new going out, says my quiet cell phone

Even my sink is disappointed that I'm staying home tonight:
The handle is the single, perfect tear.

Hot dogs, cuisine of the world's most eligible bachelors. (Not necessarily by choice.)

Disconnected

Erasing memories is hard, but erasing phone numbers is a start.

Be still my beating heart (but get the defibrillator ready just in case)

Everybody's got a hungry heart, but mine's clogged because it wants bacon.

If WPLJ were a person...

...it'd be Rob Thomas.

I scream

My birthday's coming up. If there were 31 flavors for each year of my life, my 13th would be Awkward Chip Cookie D'oh, and most of the rest would be some combo of chocolate and shame.

I conned The Journal News into letting me write about 'Mad Men'

One of my favorite articles I've written for The Journal News and LoHud.com is the following interactive map of "Mad Men" landmarks in Westchester. Serious props go to Chris Brown for his amazing Flash skills.

Click on the picture below to be transported back to a simpler, fictional time:

WHAT is the DEAL with THAT?

The synth trumpets in Suzanne Vega and DNA's "Tom's Diner" (first heard at the 48-second mark) ...


... are just like those used from the 11-second mark on in the theme to "Seinfeld" ...


... whose characters meet there to eat.

Before I get the snooty/snotty comments, I'm well aware the restaurant is remade into "Monk's" on the show, but the real-life name of the place is Tom's.

The fallout of Archie's marriage proposal to Veronica

Loser: Betty.
Winner: Jughead.

Does TSA actually stand for Talking Sexily Aloud?

The Transportation Security Administration posts this advice on making your airport line experience as quick as possible:

"If a security officer needs to inspect a package, they may have to unwrap your gift."

If that's not the TSA's go-to pick-up line, I don't know what is. (RELATED.)

Also, ladies, underwire bras can set off airport metal detectors, according to the same, very lonely TSA peronnel.

As one friend of mine added, "They also have to remove them themselves. (They're) trained professionals."