Also, supermodel girlfriend, I'm dumping you
Where's my personal chef? Nonexistent? He's fired!
The fifth dentist doesn't recommend Trident because, quite frankly, he needs the business.
Perhaps my greatest failure as an improv comedian was my inability to make out with other failed improv comedians.
Just call me Mr. Softee. More accurately, call the ice cream truck guy that. Most accurately, don't call anyone that, as it is a fake name.
I just told a dancer to break legs, plural, at her next performance. It's at least twice the luck, maybe more, depending on how much pain she inflicts upon others.
"Don't take this the wrong way" is much easier to accept when it involves traffic patterns, but both versions can crush you.
Even my sink is disappointed that I'm staying home tonight:The handle is the single, perfect tear.
Hot dogs, cuisine of the world's most eligible bachelors. (Not necessarily by choice.)
Everybody's got a hungry heart, but mine's clogged because it wants bacon.
My birthday's coming up. If there were 31 flavors for each year of my life, my 13th would be Awkward Chip Cookie D'oh, and most of the rest would be some combo of chocolate and shame.
The synth trumpets in Suzanne Vega and DNA's "Tom's Diner" (first heard at the 48-second mark) ...
... are just like those used from the 11-second mark on in the theme to "Seinfeld" ...
... whose characters meet there to eat.
Before I get the snooty/snotty comments, I'm well aware the restaurant is remade into "Monk's" on the show, but the real-life name of the place is Tom's.
The Transportation Security Administration posts this advice on making your airport line experience as quick as possible:
"If a security officer needs to inspect a package, they may have to unwrap your gift."
If that's not the TSA's go-to pick-up line, I don't know what is. (RELATED.)
Also, ladies, underwire bras can set off airport metal detectors, according to the same, very lonely TSA peronnel.
As one friend of mine added, "They also have to remove them themselves. (They're) trained professionals."