Here are my submissions for the #stonerlit Twitter meme launched today by blog god Alex Blagg:
Sometimes I think Kim Possible grew up, fell on hard times, and settled for a job as Erin Esurance.
How many frequent flier miles did Hillsborough Cty's medical examiner get for saying Billy Mays died of heart disease?
Other contributions of mine to last week's #unnecessarysequels hashtag phenomenon on Twitter:
My contributions to today's #coolbandsmadeuncool craze on Twitter:
My contributions to last week's #nicerfilmtitles craze on Twitter:
I'm an idiot. At age 30, I just realized the title of the ABC show "Home Improvement" has a meaning that does not involve construction or renovation. This epiphany struck me as powerfully as if I'd learned that "Seinfeld" was a pun because he Felt Signs of the mundane.
To compensate, I decided to create unintended double meanings for TV show titles. You're welcome.
Bronze: "Jeopardy!" - The danger of losing viewers when contestants are interviewed by Trebek.
Silver: "Desperate Housewives" - The only viewers who remain.
Gold: "Dateline NBC" - Chris Hansen's dating service, with a twist.
"I love the expression 'The cat's meow,' because that's exactly what they do. ... Before I go to bed, I sit in my underwear and suspenders, shouting out first names and cities, just to stay sharp. ... I fired the set designer when I found out the map behind me wasn't made with Lite-Brite."
Thanks to my friend Cliff who brought #FakeLarryKing to my attention.
- Getting shot 9 times by immunization needles
- A gleaming new grill that cooks things
- A hot collabo between French dip and au jus
- Busting a cap and frantically calling a dentist
- Dropping an album then rubbing the dust off it
It's a fact: 16 percent of CNN voters, who may or may not work for Facebook, think you don't own anything you think you own.
Eek.
The good folks at BestWeekEver.tv today referred me to a Los Angeles Times article that mulls the surprise hit that has been "Paul Blart: Mall Cop." And while I've always found Kevin James to be mildly amusing, imagine my surprise when I saw this photo blurb one-third of the way down the page:
I assure you: This pic is an undoctored screen-grab.
It's as if James is looking past the fourth wall, shouting, "Haaa! I'm comin' for YOU, 'Slumdog Millionaire.' Suck my Benjamin Button!"
Gotta love Anoop Desai, who was critiqued for his "American Idol" audition attire, but certainly not for his voice, as evidenced by his college a cappella group's take on Justin Timberlake's "My Love":
Love this guy already.
Dry-clean the vomit off your tux and brush the coke off your ballgown, thespians! It's awards season! No better time to hit up your booty call du jour, invite him/her out to the red carpet for some mind-numbing questions from the peanut gallery and have a seat at a classy hugfest where all the stars shine so brightly -- mostly due to the way flood lights reflect off Botoxed foreheads.
So what's the reason for everyone getting all gussied up tonight? The Oscars? The Emmys? The Golden Globes, a.k.a. the Drunk OscEmmys? Nope, Hollywood's brightest stars -- or at least those who haven't already started pre-gaming at Jack Nicholson's pad for the Golden Globes -- will be breaking out the finewear this evening in their neverending quest to land the coveted People's Choice Award.
Unlike Kate Winslet (pictured above, sorta), who was only nominated for one PCA in 2005, Meryl Streep's got a half-dozen of these Visine Customer Service Awards. Deep down, you know Streep regifted her Oscars to Aunt Gertie and showcases her six PeChArds on the mantel of her golden fireplace, where James Lipton pays a tithe to worship weekly.
OK, let's face it. There's a reason these glorified paperweights are shaped like a giant tear. Emmanuel Lewis won one. Quite possibly last year.
For this reason alone, I present five honors Hollywood reveres more than a People's Choice Award:
5. Prom King
Although I dare you to name your high school Prom King, he probably was charismatic and got tons of action. Compare that to winning a People's Choice Award, which might be the Hollywood aphrodisiac equivalent of grafting two extra noses to your face.
4. The National Hockey League's Lady Byng Memorial Trophy
Despite the fact that Wayne Gretzky repeatedly won this award, this is essentially the league's way of letting you know you're a wuss. You're basically being celebrated for your ability to absorb punches better than you can throw them -- a huge asset in Hollywood.
3. FDA inspection certificate
Merely a thank-you for not poisoning the masses. Good thing Michael Bay hasn't opened a restaurant yet.
2. Cable ACE award
Unlike the PCA, the ACE can be used as a trowel immediately after the ceremony. Put it right next to your Garden Weasel! Makes a great gift.
1. Validated parking slip
Your soul might be crying for validation after acting on "Two and a Half Men," but at least your Beamer won't be ticketed.
I got into "The Wire" very late in its run. I caught the final season, raved about it, then, in an inspired fit, NetFlix'd the first four seasons and smoked through 'em like Omar and a pack of Newports.
But I noticed a disturbing trend in the months that followed. Instead of landing the starring roles they deserve in major motion pictures, some of the actors on what might be the greatest series in TV history have instead been hawking various goods and services. And while I certainly don't hold it against them, it's a bummer to say the least.
Three examples immediately come to mind.
Lance Reddick (Deputy Commissioner Cedric Daniels) for Cadillac
Tough-as-nails Daniels had to deal with a maniacal McNulty in Season 5 while trying to keep his sordid past out of the papers:
But he was evidently still cheery enough to channel his inner Santa:
Jim True-Frost (Roland 'Prez' Pryzbylewski) For Burger King
Haunted by the way his career ended with the police department, Prezbo tried to find redemption as a teacher. When one of his former students dropped out of school and sought help, Prez reluctantly offered his assistance. The result was a painful reality, delivered with nuance and heart by Frost.
Less nuanced was his question about what he should tell the masses about Burger King. Although video evidence of his appearance is tough to come by (he admits to doing the commercial here), Diddy's reply is:
David Costabile (Managing Editor Thomas Klebanow) for Mohegan Sun
Costabile's hard-nosed character was in denial about overwhelming evidence that his star reporter was fabricating the news. (Language NSFW)
So I suppose he had no choice but to get away and blow off some steam -- and his kids' college savings -- at the Sun. While singing and dancing, of course.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if "Wire" creator David Simon were sitting in a closet, offering advice to old ladies and preparing to dance all night long.
Enjoy your stay, Bernie!
