Monday, September 18, 2006

FDA renders Popeye powerless, Bluto unstoppable

TOONTOWN — Deprived of his legendary forearm strength and guttural laugh, Popeye endured a beating by repeat offender Bluto after the Food and Drug Administration warned Americans to avoid all fresh spinach due to the spread of E. coli.

An inconsolable Olive Oyl could only be heard wailing "Oh, Popeye!" repeatedly while seeking comfort in the arms of new best friend, Nicole Richie.

A source close to Mr. Eye, who spoke to the Toontown Tribune on the condition of anonymity, said that when Mr. Eye had learned about the E. coli outbreak, he said, "That's all [the spinach] I can stands (sic), and I can't stands (sic) no more [spinach]."

Police reports indicate that he could still tolerate a "severe beat-down" by Bluto, who was last seen laughing maniacally, with hands on hips. Police Chief Michael Bumbleberger said Mr. Eye's posterior was "literally handed to him," a scene not unfamiliar to residents of crime-riddled Toontown.

Bluto, whose first name is unknown, is a white male listed at 5-foot-10 and 400 pounds, with dark hair and an unkempt beard. He is wanted on felony counts of attempted murder, kidnapping, and criminal possession of a forearm. Seeking tips, Mr. Bumbleberger promised to continue the "tireless search" for Bluto within the extremely small town.

Popeye's demise has wreaked havoc on the Toontown. Tragedy struck this weekend, when foul play was cited in the tragic death of J. Wellington Wimpy. Medics reported finding Mr. Wimpy slumped over his kitchen table, his face buried in a half-eaten burger.

In a statement released the next day, Bluto claimed responsibility for the dastardly deed, admitting to replacing the hamburger's crisp lettuce with nearly indistinguishable baby spinach leaves.

"Hahahahahahaha," he wrote. "Hahahahaha."

Paramedics said Mr. Wimpy had been gasping for breath in the ambulance while uttering his last words: "I never intended ... to pay ... for those [expletive] burgers."

McDonald's will host a reception for Mr. Wimpy at 10:30 a.m., when breakfast is no longer served.