Thursday, October 19, 2006

Jerseys in Jersey

"A, E, I, O, U and sometimes why?" - An Essay About The Names Of Two New York Giants In Three Acts

I. Does one of my favorite Giants, defensive end Osi Umenyiora, happen to have the only last name in NFL history to feature only one of each vowel and one letter "y"? Coolest fact ever if that's the case.

I'd hate to be the non-sports fan on Wheel of Fortune trying to solve his name in the final puzzle. Even with the automatic R, S, T, L, N and E, and the next most frequently used consonants and vowel in the English language (H, D, C and A), the puzzle would look like this:

_ S _
_ _ E N _ _ _ R A


I'd try not to grimace when Vanna only reveals one new letter before my attempt to solve the puzzle. After the inevitable buzzer, I'd try to clap politely as Pat reveals that I just waved $100,000 good-bye. But I'd still feel slightly less embarrassed than those 1983 Wheel of Fortune "winners" who were forced to spend their winnings on things like tacky $300 bunk beds.


II. Another Giant, cornerback R.W. McQuarters, sounds like he should be Scrooge McDuck's long-lost nephew, no? They're both multimillionaires, so why hasn't Disney greenlit this classic animated adventure yet? Look out, Huey, Dewey and Louie; here comes!


III. While we're at it, McQuarters has dreadlocks that are so long, they cover up all but the last two letters of his last name on his jersey. How do we know that the clubhouse attendants don't just save some time and a couple of bucks by not even bothering to sew the other eight letters above his No. 25? Hmmm?

Then there's my even more fun conspiracy theory that the jersey secretly features another 10-letter word or phrase ending in "RS." Since he started his pro career in San Francisco but left after only two years, what's to stop him from wearing the phrase "DUMB NINERS," which would only be obscured by his impressive coif?