Wednesday, January 07, 2009

5 honors Hollywood reveres more than a People's Choice Award

Dry-clean the vomit off your tux and brush the coke off your ballgown, thespians! It's awards season! No better time to hit up your booty call du jour, invite him/her out to the red carpet for some mind-numbing questions from the peanut gallery and have a seat at a classy hugfest where all the stars shine so brightly -- mostly due to the way flood lights reflect off Botoxed foreheads.

So what's the reason for everyone getting all gussied up tonight? The Oscars? The Emmys? The Golden Globes, a.k.a. the Drunk OscEmmys? Nope, Hollywood's brightest stars -- or at least those who haven't already started pre-gaming at Jack Nicholson's pad for the Golden Globes -- will be breaking out the finewear this evening in their neverending quest to land the coveted People's Choice Award.

Unlike Kate Winslet (pictured above, sorta), who was only nominated for one PCA in 2005, Meryl Streep's got a half-dozen of these Visine Customer Service Awards. Deep down, you know Streep regifted her Oscars to Aunt Gertie and showcases her six PeChArds on the mantel of her golden fireplace, where James Lipton pays a tithe to worship weekly.

OK, let's face it. There's a reason these glorified paperweights are shaped like a giant tear. Emmanuel Lewis won one. Quite possibly last year.

For this reason alone, I present five honors Hollywood reveres more than a People's Choice Award:

5. Prom King
Although I dare you to name your high school Prom King, he probably was charismatic and got tons of action. Compare that to winning a People's Choice Award, which might be the Hollywood aphrodisiac equivalent of grafting two extra noses to your face.

4. The National Hockey League's Lady Byng Memorial Trophy
Despite the fact that Wayne Gretzky repeatedly won this award, this is essentially the league's way of letting you know you're a wuss. You're basically being celebrated for your ability to absorb punches better than you can throw them -- a huge asset in Hollywood.

3. FDA inspection certificate
Merely a thank-you for not poisoning the masses. Good thing Michael Bay hasn't opened a restaurant yet.

2. Cable ACE award
Unlike the PCA, the ACE can be used as a trowel immediately after the ceremony. Put it right next to your Garden Weasel! Makes a great gift.

1. Validated parking slip
Your soul might be crying for validation after acting on "Two and a Half Men," but at least your Beamer won't be ticketed.