Friday, June 01, 2007

Tetris pieces: Metaphors for the seven kinds of people at your college party

O-Block: The football star. Pros: Although not terribly complex, he's often a welcome sight. If unleashed at the right time, he can take out two lingering lines of stragglers loitering at your door. Cons: Stubborn; impossible to change. Makes a scene when there's not a big enough seat for him. Can be a headache if too many of his teammates show up when the party's unstable.

I-Block: The gorgeous cheerleader. Pros: The most sought-after invitee inspires everyone to clear a path for her arrival. Can bring as many cheerleading friends as she wants without a single complaint from you. Four rows of guys want nothing more than to leave with her, and she might just oblige. Cons: Plays hard-to-get; doesn't appear at your parties nearly enough. God help you if she's drunk and stumbles into an awkward crowd in the middle of everyone; she'll cause such a fuss, she'll distract you from the rest of the party.

T-Block: The life of the party. Pros: Fits in with every crowd, and rarely makes things worse. Selfless wingman, happy to try to clear your path for a date with the cheerleader. Willing to do any small chore for the rest of the party. "Clean up that puke in that hard-to-reach corner under the bed? No problem!" Cons: Wants to be introduced to everyone, so you're often spinning him around until he fits perfectly with the rest of the crowd. Can't eliminate the big problems all at once.

L-Block: The lovebird. Pros: Reliable and faithful. Fits perfectly with his/her companion. Always willing to give a hug to the awkward freshman girl (see below) when her friends aren't around. On rare occasions, is up for a threesome. Cons: Clashes with annoying freshman guys (see below). Not nearly as bold as the cheerleaders or football players; makes you wish something more exciting would happen to you and your party.

J-Block: The recently single sophomore. Pros: Quick to hook up with one another. Bonds with the annoying freshman guy in a way that makes him less of a burden to you. Also totally game for a rare threesome. Cons: Can't truly connect with the lovebirds, despite similar appearances. Encounters with awkward freshman girls end badly.

The awkward freshman girl. Pros: Although the same age as the annoying freshman guy, she seems easier to deal with and more mature somehow. Cons: If not cooperating, can be just as intolerable as the annoying freshman guy. Likes pretentious foreign films without subtitles.

The annoying freshman guy. Pros: Even if you're not the most popular host, he's almost guaranteed to show up, whether or not you're expecting him. Cons: Only really connects with his peers, and even that connection is awkward for everyone. Too many of his friends show up when the party's already crowded. No matter how many times you tries to clear him and his friends out, their pile-up pretty much guarantees that the party's over.

UPDATE: GorillaMask'd!


Anonymous said...

This . . . is genius

Anonymous said...

Well played sir. Well played.

Anonymous said...

somehow i can't get 'russian sailor dance' out of my head...hmmm.

i'll second 'dave's' commen,
very well played, sir.

Anonymous said...

Huzzah and kudos! Or as the word verification put it: wzuatfq!

Chim Richalds said...

pros: hilarious.

cons: way to stick it to tetris. look out dr. mario! also, did you photoshop a football helmet onto a a tetris block?

Chris Serico said...

I most definitely did. Poorly, I might add. I put more effort into the Photoshop work of the other six.

AEW said...

Genius and accurate. In addition:

The life of the party is a great middle man for the freshman threesome, and the cheerleader usually hooks up with two football players.

Anonymous said...

Hilarious, not to mention absolutely on-point.

Rare is the occasion I laugh out loud at a blog I stumble upon, thanks!