Varsity Basketweaving

Bow down, minions! Oh, wait, those are onions.

2010-09-25T13:53:00.001-04:00

I am drunk with power! Wait. No. Bourbon. Drunk with bourbon.

Does whatever a shampoo can

2010-09-25T13:52:00.000-04:00

I worry I'm dismissing Spidey Sense as dry scalp.

Mind over Vanna

2010-09-25T02:25:00.000-04:00

We will never advance as a society as long as "Wheel of Fortune" has higher median payouts than "Jeopardy."

DJ Got Us Fearin' The End

2010-08-18T14:57:00.001-04:00

Sorry, Usher, but if I have to dance dance like it's the last last night of my life life, it's gonna look a lot like flailing and trampling.

I feel the pain of extinction / Then I feel nothing

2010-07-14T13:21:00.001-04:00

The stegosaurus was the hipster of the Jurassic: Body mohawk, vegan diet and overprotective about Dinosaur Jr.

Does bronze chafe?

2010-07-10T00:41:00.000-04:00

If first is the worst and second is the best, there probably aren’t a lot of metrosexual bronze medalists.

Your desk! Look at your desk, woman!

2010-06-26T22:51:00.001-04:00

Top this

2010-05-27T14:52:00.000-04:00

Top Chef > Top Chef Masters chefs > Top Chef chefs > Top Chef Masters > Top Kill

Honest slogans

2010-05-21T15:35:00.001-04:00

The Parents Television Council: Fearing actual parenting since 1995.

Quantum Leaps

2010-05-19T00:34:00.001-04:00

Every time I hear Sam Rockwell, I confuse him with Dean Stockwell, who was paired with a TV character named Sam.

Does the FBI have Google?

2010-05-04T02:08:00.001-04:00

Because one search would have found the Times Square bomb suspect much sooner:

But he's so dreamy!

2010-04-27T23:04:00.001-04:00

Twitter limits Tweets to 140 characters and bios to 160. Your life is only 14 percent more valuable than your shout-out to Justin Bieber.

Hugh Hefner saves the Hollywood sign

2010-04-27T00:39:00.000-04:00

But now it will bask in soft lighting and get its O's enlarged.

Forget tonight, I need you right now

2010-04-22T11:51:00.000-04:00

Take one of my favorite bands of all time (INXS), let Beck and his buddies rearrange one of their classics, and you get this sexbomb:

Record Club: INXS "Need You Tonight" from Beck Hansen on Vimeo.

Busted mid-burger

2010-04-22T11:50:00.001-04:00

Where's the HBO Confessionals spinoff in which Wendy's customers admit to knowing too many lyrics to George Benson's "Turn Your Love Around"?

Because Thomas Jefferson always wanted to be lumped in with the 'Mayor' of your local Walmart

2010-04-17T12:34:00.002-04:00

Now that the Library of Congress is archiving Tweets, all I have to do to find a Tweet that's more than three days old is fly to D.C.

See me after class

2010-04-07T15:00:00.002-04:00

Those who say "Those who can't, teach" are those who will never learn.

This Buffalo Wild Wings is like some kind of ... Hot Wings Time Machine!

2010-04-03T14:25:00.004-04:00

Odd coincidence, considering I saw this LED display just footsteps away from the movie theater, where I'd just seen "Hot Tub Time Machine."

There's a moment in the movie when Craig Robinson starts to play "Jesse's Girl" and the audience gears up for something awesome to happen, then the camera suddenly cuts away. It's typical for a movie that's always in on the joke, which is only funny half the time.

Battle of the UnADtainables: Axe Lady v. Heineken Lady

2010-03-22T15:31:00.006-04:00

Due to popular demand and a seemingly unending phalanx of commercial hotties on the warpath for our attention (and, let's face it, money), it's time for another Battle of the UnADtainables.

Last week, Kia Lady and Kindle Lady fought to a tie in the comments section. That's fine with me; I keep changing my mind when I try to pick.

This week's edition, I have a feeling, will be a bit more lopsided, but so as not to influence votes, I will abstain for the time being. I give you Axe Lady v. Heineken Lady.

Axe Lady:
Name: Unknown. (Again: Seriously, Internet? Go to your room.)
Pros: Easily turned on; sees cushions as merely one way to harness the potential of a couch; pouty, pouty, pouty; caresses a couch arm with care yet authority; ridiculous pair of ... eyes, whose color I suddenly can't recall.
Cons: Is more aroused by hair than the guy beneath it; is content with being a tease; is associated with Axe body spray; likes nature documentaries, which are a more effective sleep aid than the crash after a cocktail of Red Bull, Vodka and Nyquil.

EXHIBIT A:

Heineken Lady:
Name: Alicia Rountree. (Google Images)
Pros: Sorry, French, but her body language just passed yours as most romantic; treats any floor like a runway; perfects the once-over that only happens to guys in beer commercials, movies and drunken Valentine's Day singles bars; bonus points for taboo conquest material; makes her intentions known without saying a word; angers ADWEEK commenters, despite the fact the ad is memorable for both the woman and the product.
Cons: Might not actually be able to say a word (insert hacky joke about how this is a good thing); might get you fired and lose interest in the same day; probably drinks something fruitier or harder than Heineken, meaning she's moved onto the stockbroker at the other end of the bar and your beer will be the only Heinie you'll be grabbing that night.

EXHIBIT B:

So who's hotter? Post your comments below. Explain your answer. See me after class.

Battle of the UnADtainables: Kia Lady v. Kindle Lady

2010-03-16T18:25:00.010-04:00

And now for a new feature for an old blog: Battle of the UnADtainables — an excuse for me to post pictures/videos of commercial actresses who are out of my league to boost their egos and my blog hit count. Everybody wins! (But mostly they do.) Today's edition is a blonde battle: Kia Lady v. Kindle Lady.

Kia Lady:
Name: Unknown. (Seriously, Internet? Get on this already.)
Pros: Likes teddy bears; killer smile; makes the most memorable 3-second cameo among Super Bowl ads this side of Betty White; comes across as accessible as she is merely promoting a Kia; wears earmuffs that muffle my "OH MY GOD, SHE'S SO HOT!" exclamation from the other side of the TV.
Cons: Probably doesn't like it when men call her the Kia Lady as opposed to her unknown name; hasn't been seen in subsequent (shorter) versions of the commercial; is merely promoting a Kia; probably does not date men who drive a car by Kia or its affiliate, Hyundai; I have no easy access to hot tubs.
EXHIBIT A:

Kindle Lady:
Name: Annie Little.
Pros: That's actually her singing in the Kindle commercial; playful and imaginative; clothes fall off her while being pleasantly ejected from airplanes; has a great imagination; likes costumes; has appeared on "Mad Men."
Cons: Accident-prone (falls out of planes, off bicycles); hangs around stabby folk and bears; is a little too comfortable wearing a mustache; has been with Don Draper already, rendering all other men moot.
EXHIBIT B:

So who's hotter? Post your comments below.

Everything that's wrong with everything

2010-02-20T23:56:00.002-05:00

Overheard on Project Runway: "Children nowadays are very fashion-forward. Especially when you're 8."

Stick to roses, champ

2010-02-14T13:47:00.001-05:00

Remember, fellas: Ninety-eight percent of the "romantic" things that win over ladies in the movies backfire in real life. The only thing that'll be In Your Eyes is a restraining order.

Happy Valentine's Day(?)

Julian Casablancas' "Out of the Blue" sounds like Johnny Cash perked up and let Beck take over the Strokes' arrangements

2010-02-11T13:02:00.000-05:00

And I absolutely dig it.

Your own friends' compliments aren't enough; you need to bolster your fragile ego with some stranger's drunken words about someone you don't know

2010-02-03T15:32:00.002-05:00

Today's Facebook Game is Urban Dictionary Name Day — a glorified version of this...
... and apparently only for girls.

Stunting makeouts for 421 years

2010-01-28T15:11:00.001-05:00

Name one movie love scene in which the removal of socks is neither comical nor awkward. Or any scene that features sock removal of any kind, for that matter.

Socks: The cause of movies' most boring deleted scenes, which are not even available on Blu-Ray.

NO, 1-800-FLOWERS, I WILL NOT BE SENDING 12 ROSES TO GET 6 FREE. (Yet.)

2010-01-25T02:43:00.011-05:00

For singles, the month before Valentine's Day is like the month before Christmas, except the ads make you want to punch Cupid instead of Walmart.

For the record, I'm content with being single. I just think Valentine's Day was invented to make couples feel like they're better than everyone else.

Some people might argue, "But that's not the original intent behind Valentine's Day!" But you know what? That's not what people primarily celebrate anymore. Hey, Christmas was created to celebrate the birth of an entire religion, not to, say, buy a Lexus with a bow on top for your WASPy daughter's Sweet 16.

And taken guys taken guys don't have it much better than singles on V-Day. Taken guys have to be creative, avoid cliché, find perfect gift(s), be romantic and wow his mate in unprecedented fashion.

Taken ladies? Look pretty.

Married men probably can get away with buying one solid gift for their wives. Unmarried taken guys probably have to brainstorm three gifts and/or creative ideas and endure something inordinately girly in the process. ("Project Runway" does not apply here, because it is frickin' awesome.)

Basically, Valentine's Day's the only holiday that puts a burden on men and almost none on women. Ladies have it much rougher than guys on Arbor Day, though, so it totally evens out.

All the technical prowess of a rotary phone

2010-01-18T11:22:00.003-05:00

Nielsen ratings are the land-line phone bills of the 21st century.

There's a slap for that

2009-12-28T13:26:00.000-05:00

The same people who tell you to "Get a Mac" when you have a problem with a PC are likely to say "Get a sister" when your brother dies.

Merry SMSmas

2009-12-24T19:50:00.001-05:00

Perhaps the only thing more disingenuous than friends' impersonal texts wishing me (and countless others) happy holidays is the anger I allegedly feel about getting them.

Hey, you're not Ringo!

2009-12-01T14:39:00.001-05:00

I wonder how many kidnappings transpired in 1966 due to shady van-drivers' shouting "The Magical Mystery Tour is waiting to take you away!" at gullible hippies.

Also, supermodel girlfriend, I'm dumping you

2009-11-07T17:31:00.000-05:00

Where's my personal chef? Nonexistent? He's fired!

Shocking confession

2009-11-01T13:05:00.001-05:00

The fifth dentist doesn't recommend Trident because, quite frankly, he needs the business.

"Yes, And..."? More like "No, But...."

2009-10-30T21:18:00.001-04:00

Perhaps my greatest failure as an improv comedian was my inability to make out with other failed improv comedians.

A soft-serve by any other name

2009-10-26T16:07:00.002-04:00

Just call me Mr. Softee. More accurately, call the ice cream truck guy that. Most accurately, don't call anyone that, as it is a fake name.

Putting the LOL in Gillooly

2009-10-24T17:36:00.001-04:00

I just told a dancer to break legs, plural, at her next performance. It's at least twice the luck, maybe more, depending on how much pain she inflicts upon others.

Look out!

2009-10-14T01:48:00.002-04:00

"Don't take this the wrong way" is much easier to accept when it involves traffic patterns, but both versions can crush you.

Staying in is the new going out, says my quiet cell phone

2009-10-10T23:31:00.006-04:00

Even my sink is disappointed that I'm staying home tonight:
The handle is the single, perfect tear.

Hot dogs, cuisine of the world's most eligible bachelors. (Not necessarily by choice.)

Disconnected

2009-10-08T17:49:00.001-04:00

Erasing memories is hard, but erasing phone numbers is a start.

Be still my beating heart (but get the defibrillator ready just in case)

2009-10-02T00:16:00.003-04:00

Everybody's got a hungry heart, but mine's clogged because it wants bacon.

If WPLJ were a person...

2009-09-29T12:06:00.001-04:00

...it'd be Rob Thomas.

I scream

2009-09-25T11:45:00.002-04:00

My birthday's coming up. If there were 31 flavors for each year of my life, my 13th would be Awkward Chip Cookie D'oh, and most of the rest would be some combo of chocolate and shame.

I conned The Journal News into letting me write about 'Mad Men'

2009-09-22T13:55:00.006-04:00

One of my favorite articles I've written for The Journal News and LoHud.com is the following interactive map of "Mad Men" landmarks in Westchester. Serious props go to Chris Brown for his amazing Flash skills.

Click on the picture below to be transported back to a simpler, fictional time:

WHAT is the DEAL with THAT?

2009-08-26T18:04:00.006-04:00

The synth trumpets in Suzanne Vega and DNA's "Tom's Diner" (first heard at the 48-second mark) ...

... are just like those used from the 11-second mark on in the theme to "Seinfeld" ...

... whose characters meet there to eat.

Before I get the snooty/snotty comments, I'm well aware the restaurant is remade into "Monk's" on the show, but the real-life name of the place is Tom's.

The fallout of Archie's marriage proposal to Veronica

2009-08-20T23:58:00.003-04:00

Loser: Betty.
Winner: Jughead.

Does TSA actually stand for Talking Sexily Aloud?

2009-08-20T23:45:00.004-04:00

The Transportation Security Administration posts this advice on making your airport line experience as quick as possible:

"If a security officer needs to inspect a package, they may have to unwrap your gift."

If that's not the TSA's go-to pick-up line, I don't know what is. (RELATED.)

Also, ladies, underwire bras can set off airport metal detectors, according to the same, very lonely TSA peronnel.

As one friend of mine added, "They also have to remove them themselves. (They're) trained professionals."

Because mouth to mouth isn't just for making out

2009-08-20T23:41:00.002-04:00

When I think of some girls, my heart skips a beat. Then I put down the burger and punch my sternum.

We try to say goodbye

2009-08-17T10:19:00.003-04:00

Macy Gray will be on the new season of "Dancing With The Stars." I wonder if she'll dance to all of her hit.

When advertising works too well

2009-08-05T21:55:00.010-04:00

In tonight's Yankee game on YES, the logo for the GEICO Play of the Game wound up obscuring the GEICO Play of the Game:
It's even more amusing/bemusing in video form:

Yearning and burning

2009-07-23T14:02:00.001-04:00

Both Jeff Buckley's "Hallelujah" and Poison's "Every Rose Has Its Thorn" start with a deep breath, but only one ends with chlamydia.

Fun with the Twitter hashtag #failedwesterns

2009-07-22T00:35:00.003-04:00

Here are some of my submissions for the #failedwesterns Twitter meme that trended last week. I noticed some of these were later Tweeted by some of the people I follow and respect on Twitter, so that was a pretty cool coincidence.

Hi, Noon!
3:10 To Yo Mama
Dances With Robert Wuhl
Middle-Aged Guns
Bronzerado
Rio Bravo's Real Housewives of Deadwood
Lonesome Dove, sponsored by Dove Moisturizing Cream
The Assassination of Jessie Spano by the Coward Caffeine Pills
The Assassination of Rick James by the Coward Cocaine
City Slickers II: The Legend of Curly's Gold
Sorry, We Can't Wire Cash To Your Mom*

*Whoops, that was for the hashtag #failedwesternunion

For someone who's never smoked pot (but has nothing against it), I had a lot of fun with this

2009-07-08T20:06:00.002-04:00

Here are my submissions for the #stonerlit Twitter meme launched today by blog god Alex Blagg:

Bong Quixote
The Smugglers Karamazov
For Whom The Joint Rolls
Spliff Family Robinson
The Blunt of Monte Cristo
Doug Benson Crusoe
Indifferent Expectations
Baked Expectations
Crime And Totally Unreasonable Punishment Under The Rockefeller Laws

Kim Ployable?

2009-07-08T11:36:00.001-04:00

Sometimes I think Kim Possible grew up, fell on hard times, and settled for a job as Erin Esurance.

Instant first-class upgrade

2009-06-29T15:09:00.003-04:00

How many frequent flier miles did Hillsborough Cty's medical examiner get for saying Billy Mays died of heart disease?

Unnecessary Sequels: "Seacrest/Nixon"

2009-06-29T14:59:00.006-04:00

Other contributions of mine to last week's #unnecessarysequels hashtag phenomenon on Twitter:

"Imagine That First Movie Was Good"
"Borat 2: Everyone He Meets Already Knows Who He Is"
"Purple Wintry Mix With Chance Of Hail"
"12 Men At Peace With Their Verdict"
"Malcolm XI"

One celebrity I hope lives another 150 years

2009-06-29T14:47:00.003-04:00

Enjoy your stay, Bernie!

Fun with the Twitter hashtag #coolbandsmadeuncool

2009-06-24T00:35:00.005-04:00

My contributions to today's #coolbandsmadeuncool craze on Twitter:

Nick Jr Mafia
Public Enema
David Baba Bowie
The Police Academy
Alice In Lanyards
A.C. Slater
Boys to Adolescents
Ramone
The Ring Dings
stellaampersandd&
CNBC Music Factory
C&C Cola Factory
Cinderella, No, Really, We're Reaching Out To The Toddler Demographic
Duran Duran Duran Duran Duran Duran Duran
The Killers After They Were Overplayed

Fun with the Twitter hashtag #nicerfilmtitles

2009-06-22T13:35:00.003-04:00

My contributions to last week's #nicerfilmtitles craze on Twitter:

Sexyback Mountain
Two Fists Full Of Hundreds
10 Weeks
Mr. Smith Goes To Washington State
Glengarry, Meet Ross From "Friends"
Elmo Is Not On Fire
Natural Born Phyllis Dillers
Greatfellas
Land of the GPS
Brunch Club
He's Just That Into You
American Crème Brûlée
Regular Size Me
12 Happy Men
Reservoir Fluffy Bunnies
Smart & Smarter
No Need To Save Private Ryan Because There Is No War
Finding Nemo's Mom Is Not Actually Dead

The reigning champ though is by my buddy Courtney Elnow, who busted out The Good, The Also Good, and the Great Personality.

My brain just never got past the shiny power tools and bathroom jokes

2009-06-10T15:11:00.009-04:00

I'm an idiot. At age 30, I just realized the title of the ABC show "Home Improvement" has a meaning that does not involve construction or renovation. This epiphany struck me as powerfully as if I'd learned that "Seinfeld" was a pun because he Felt Signs of the mundane.

To compensate, I decided to create unintended double meanings for TV show titles. You're welcome.

Bronze: "Jeopardy!" - The danger of losing viewers when contestants are interviewed by Trebek.
Silver: "Desperate Housewives" - The only viewers who remain.
Gold: "Dateline NBC" - Chris Hansen's dating service, with a twist.

Having too much fun on Twitter writing content with the hash-tag #FakeLarryKing

2009-05-26T01:19:00.004-04:00

"I love the expression 'The cat's meow,' because that's exactly what they do. ... Before I go to bed, I sit in my underwear and suspenders, shouting out first names and cities, just to stay sharp. ... I fired the set designer when I found out the map behind me wasn't made with Lite-Brite."

Thanks to my friend Cliff who brought #FakeLarryKing to my attention.

Suburban Street Cred

2009-05-21T01:28:00.001-04:00

- Getting shot 9 times by immunization needles
- A gleaming new grill that cooks things
- A hot collabo between French dip and au jus
- Busting a cap and frantically calling a dentist
- Dropping an album then rubbing the dust off it

25,158 Facebook employees have nothing better to do with their time

2009-02-18T16:55:00.005-05:00

It's a fact: 16 percent of CNN voters, who may or may not work for Facebook, think you don't own anything you think you own.
Eek.

'Paul Blart: Mall Cop' is totally sweeping the Oscars

2009-01-30T14:55:00.007-05:00

The good folks at BestWeekEver.tv today referred me to a Los Angeles Times article that mulls the surprise hit that has been "Paul Blart: Mall Cop." And while I've always found Kevin James to be mildly amusing, imagine my surprise when I saw this photo blurb one-third of the way down the page:
I assure you: This pic is an undoctored screen-grab.

It's as if James is looking past the fourth wall, shouting, "Haaa! I'm comin' for YOU, 'Slumdog Millionaire.' Suck my Benjamin Button!"

Anoop Dogg's got chops

2009-01-16T15:25:00.004-05:00

Gotta love Anoop Desai, who was critiqued for his "American Idol" audition attire, but certainly not for his voice, as evidenced by his college a cappella group's take on Justin Timberlake's "My Love":

Love this guy already.

5 honors Hollywood reveres more than a People's Choice Award

2009-01-07T15:57:00.002-05:00

Dry-clean the vomit off your tux and brush the coke off your ballgown, thespians! It's awards season! No better time to hit up your booty call du jour, invite him/her out to the red carpet for some mind-numbing questions from the peanut gallery and have a seat at a classy hugfest where all the stars shine so brightly -- mostly due to the way flood lights reflect off Botoxed foreheads.

So what's the reason for everyone getting all gussied up tonight? The Oscars? The Emmys? The Golden Globes, a.k.a. the Drunk OscEmmys? Nope, Hollywood's brightest stars -- or at least those who haven't already started pre-gaming at Jack Nicholson's pad for the Golden Globes -- will be breaking out the finewear this evening in their neverending quest to land the coveted People's Choice Award.

Unlike Kate Winslet (pictured above, sorta), who was only nominated for one PCA in 2005, Meryl Streep's got a half-dozen of these Visine Customer Service Awards. Deep down, you know Streep regifted her Oscars to Aunt Gertie and showcases her six PeChArds on the mantel of her golden fireplace, where James Lipton pays a tithe to worship weekly.

OK, let's face it. There's a reason these glorified paperweights are shaped like a giant tear. Emmanuel Lewis won one. Quite possibly last year.

For this reason alone, I present five honors Hollywood reveres more than a People's Choice Award:

5. Prom King
Although I dare you to name your high school Prom King, he probably was charismatic and got tons of action. Compare that to winning a People's Choice Award, which might be the Hollywood aphrodisiac equivalent of grafting two extra noses to your face.

4. The National Hockey League's Lady Byng Memorial Trophy
Despite the fact that Wayne Gretzky repeatedly won this award, this is essentially the league's way of letting you know you're a wuss. You're basically being celebrated for your ability to absorb punches better than you can throw them -- a huge asset in Hollywood.

3. FDA inspection certificate
Merely a thank-you for not poisoning the masses. Good thing Michael Bay hasn't opened a restaurant yet.

2. Cable ACE award
Unlike the PCA, the ACE can be used as a trowel immediately after the ceremony. Put it right next to your Garden Weasel! Makes a great gift.

1. Validated parking slip
Your soul might be crying for validation after acting on "Two and a Half Men," but at least your Beamer won't be ticketed.

AD WIZARDS: 'Wire' actors resort to consulting with Diddy, singing and dancing about gambling

2009-01-07T14:42:00.010-05:00

I got into "The Wire" very late in its run. I caught the final season, raved about it, then, in an inspired fit, NetFlix'd the first four seasons and smoked through 'em like Omar and a pack of Newports.

But I noticed a disturbing trend in the months that followed. Instead of landing the starring roles they deserve in major motion pictures, some of the actors on what might be the greatest series in TV history have instead been hawking various goods and services. And while I certainly don't hold it against them, it's a bummer to say the least.

Three examples immediately come to mind.

Lance Reddick (Deputy Commissioner Cedric Daniels) for Cadillac
Tough-as-nails Daniels had to deal with a maniacal McNulty in Season 5 while trying to keep his sordid past out of the papers:

But he was evidently still cheery enough to channel his inner Santa:

Jim True-Frost (Roland 'Prez' Pryzbylewski) For Burger King
Haunted by the way his career ended with the police department, Prezbo tried to find redemption as a teacher. When one of his former students dropped out of school and sought help, Prez reluctantly offered his assistance. The result was a painful reality, delivered with nuance and heart by Frost.

Less nuanced was his question about what he should tell the masses about Burger King. Although video evidence of his appearance is tough to come by (he admits to doing the commercial here), Diddy's reply is:

David Costabile (Managing Editor Thomas Klebanow) for Mohegan Sun
Costabile's hard-nosed character was in denial about overwhelming evidence that his star reporter was fabricating the news. (Language NSFW)

So I suppose he had no choice but to get away and blow off some steam -- and his kids' college savings -- at the Sun. While singing and dancing, of course.

At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if "Wire" creator David Simon were sitting in a closet, offering advice to old ladies and preparing to dance all night long.

Summing up 2008 in one word

2008-12-16T01:05:00.002-05:00

Thanks, Wedding Bobby:

Hooray for cute redheads selling stuff

2008-12-08T18:42:00.010-05:00

Don't get me wrong, it's nice to be a blonde or brunette, but here's a shout-out to two eye-catching redheads doing their part in pitching goods to consumers.

Exhibit A:
Product: Weatherproof garments.
Name of redhead: Unknown.
Most prominent appearance: Times Square billboard.
Attire: Weatherproof jacket. Heels. Possibly nothing else.
Attitude: Overly pleased by jacket.
Result: I am equally pleased.
Bonus points: The billboard changes on a regular basis -- I'm guessing every few months or so -- giving pedestrians a bit of a fashion show from said redhead.
Potential downfall: If, like fellow redhead Shirley Manson, she's only happy when it rains.
Random tangent: If I ever understood what the "for days" part of the phrase "Legs for days" meant, that would probably apply here.

Exhibit B:

Product: Bud Light.
Name of redhead: Christina Murphy, it appears.
Most prominent appearance: Frequently airs during Sunday NFL football games.
Attire: Snug No. 22 t-shirt, skinny jeans.
Attitude: Snark for days.
Result: I'm a sucker for a pretty girl with a bit of sarcasm.
Bonus points: Her comfort with a football makes it seem like she'd be up for watching the game. Or at least talking about beer.
Potential downfall: If she follows everything you say with a 30-second diatribe about how you're exaggerating. "You think the wait at the dentist's office is too long? Really? The wait at the post office is too long. The wait at the DMV is too long. The wait for Halley's Comet is too long...."
Random tangent: "Drinkability" might be the dullest ad pitch ever, but the casting agent was at least smart to land an attractive woman to pitch it.

The right and wrong way to sell your luxury vehicle this holiday season

2008-12-07T01:08:00.005-05:00

For once, I'm not going to dump on Toyota for an awful commercial campaign. Instead, I will rag on its more luxurious affiliate, Lexus.

Let's look at the way two luxury car companies handle a simple concept: Buying our vehicle will make you feel like you were when you were a kid getting the best holiday present ever.

Successful attempt by Acura:

Why successful? The kids are cute, the joy is palpable and you don't want to smack the adult customer as he drives away in his new toy.

Horrendous attempt by Lexus:

Why horrendous? Only rich and/or spoiled kids got ponies as presents, immediately alienating most TV viewers. And while rich kids shouldn't be inherently punished for being born into wealth, they should be called out for taking joy in the jealousy of their less-fortunate neighbors. So how does karma kick in for this little brat later in life? Her sugar daddy gets her a Lexus for Christmas.

Um, yeah. I'm liking my Hyundai more and more.

In Defense Of ... Katy Perry, Brett Favre, Frank Caliendo and Robin Williams

2008-11-29T23:11:00.010-05:00

There are some folks out there that don't need some tool with an erratically updated blog to defend them. But every now and then, when haters gotta hate, bloggers gotta blog in response.

I'm not sure why I feel it's my duty to stick up for the people who are targets for whatever reason, but I am posting these defenses without any intended irony. Plus, I'm sick on a Saturday night and looking for something to do, so now's as good a time as any.

In Defense Of... Katy Perry
The haters say she's one-dimensional, ditsy and overproduced. And yeah, she flopped onto a giant cake overseas. But the easy thing to do would've been to dismiss Perry as a one-hit wonder after "I Kissed A Girl," the catchy yet gimmicky lipstick-lesbian tune. To the credit of Perry and her A&R rep, her follow-up single of "Hot N Cold" is the real deal. She showcases her voice on the latter hit and has an underrated set of pipes (among other things). During a recent appearance on Howard Stern's radio show, she turned what I thought was going to be an awful acoustic rendition of "I Kissed A Girl" into a surprisingly nuanced and controlled performance. Plus, I think she's embraced her tongue-in-cheek style in a way that's refreshing in a world of narcissistic "talents" in the music industry these days.

In Defense Of... Brett Favre
The guy who just couldn't do anything wrong in the eyes of the media while playing for the Packers pretty much ruined that sentiment when he retired and unretired every 14 seconds. It was pure torture for not only Green Bay fans, but also everyone else in the country who just wanted to read about anything else on ESPN.com. And when NASCAR almost becomes a more relevant story, that's a bad sign. But thankfully, once Favre was traded to the Jets, he brought a ton of buzz to a franchise that hasn't felt it since Broadway Joy came through on his Super Bowl guarantee. And despite the off-season drama, it's easy to see why the rejuvenated Jets have responded to him: He loves to play the game and makes everyone around him better. If he can avoid another postseason meltdown, he might just become the Mark Messier of Gang Green.

In Defense Of... Frank Caliendo
We go from Favre to the guy who made a name for himself parodying John Madden's unhealthy undying affection for Favre. Haters say the "MadTV" alum wore out his welcome not only for beating the Madden impression to death but for being involved in "FrankTV," the TBS sketch comedy series whose aggressive ad campaign turned viewers off to the show before they ever thought about turning it on. On top of this, some of his impressions are at best mediocre (Jerry Seinfeld) and as ESPN's Bill "Sports Guy" Simmons pointed out recently, all of them seem to involve people over the age of 45. While I won't defend "FrankTV" -- it's at best inconsistent, at worst a snore -- Caliendo himself is, dare I say, "very funny." His stand-up is artfully well-crafted and requires a precision that many stand-ups either don't or can't pull off. The way he shifts from character to character both in terms of voice and body language within fractions of a second is nothing short of astounding.

In Defense of ... Robin Williams
Now we go to the inspiration of one of Caliendo's impressions: Haters say the often over-the-top Williams steals material from other comedians and plays the same character in all of his comedic movies. And while I can't possibly know if or how much material Williams has stolen from other comics, I believe it's more about his incredible retention of all things funny and less about malicious intent. Besides, his delivery is one of a kind. One of the best stand-up sets I've ever seen was his 2002 HBO special, "Live on Broadway," which had my sides sore and my eyes tearing upon multiple views. And while one could make the argument that many of his cinematic characters in comedies are regurgitations of his schizophrenic act, his dramatic work is outstanding outside of the occasional "Patch Adams." (Then again, what dramatic actor hasn't had a clunker now and then?) He's a legit Oscar-winner, after all. Plus, the guy earns bonus points from me for showing up unannounced on multiple occasions at Manhattan's Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre to perform improv with house troupes. From what I've read, the performers and audience members had nothing but raves to say about not only his comedy but also his team-oriented approach.

No, this wasn't performed by Cornell's Do-Re-Amigos

2008-11-02T23:13:00.005-05:00

Even if you hate a cappella, you'll still love this. How can you not?

- Michael Jackson's "Thriller"? Check.
- Sung with a French accent? Check.
- Performed a cappella (without instruments)? Check.
- Arranged in SIXTY-FOUR PARTS that can be viewed simultaneously? Check.
- Mind-blowingly amazing arrangement once Vincent Price's voice-over kicks in at the 4:24 mark? CHECK!

So, uh, check it out:

The only complaint I have is that the lead vocal uses falsetto as a crutch as much as I do, but really, that's nit-picky considering just how fun this video is.

Via Michelle Collins at BestWeekEver.tv.

R.I.P. My Casio SK-1, 1985-2008

2008-10-25T17:02:00.005-04:00

This baby lasted me 23 years and was seriously used during every year of that span:

I bought a "real" keyboard today -- a no-frills Yamaha YPT-210 -- but it's not nearly as fun when you don't have the "sample" feature that allows you to play dog barks (or fart noises) in different pitches.

And for you hard-core SK-1 fans, I give you this:

I Can Has CheezStatler

2008-10-18T17:50:00.006-04:00

This is my first-ever submission to I Can Has Cheezburger, which has a pretty solid on-site program for assembling your own LOLSTUFFZ and submitting them. Click on the pic to rate it.

Pouring one out for Paul Newman

2008-09-27T22:45:00.005-04:00

I had some salad tonight, opened a new bottle of Newman's Own dressing and poured some out for a fine philanthropist and one of the greatest actors in American history.

I didn't pour any on the ground, though. That stuff's way too yummy and oil tends to stain.

Pendulum's 'Propane Nightmares' sounds like a tricked-out Final Fantasy fight sequence on acid and might just be my favorite song of 2008

2008-09-08T23:06:00.009-04:00

If the last four minutes of this five-minute, 13-second song doesn't motivate you to burn hundreds of calories on a treadmill or award you triple-digit hit points against a Chimera, I don't know what will:

Seriously. Whoa.

UPDATE: I just realized Pendulum's lead singer has a pure energy reminiscent of Information Society's Kurt Harland. I want to know what you're thinking. Tell me what's on your mind.

Ranking the theme songs from 'The Wire'

2008-09-07T14:01:00.008-04:00

Initially intimidated by the complexity of "The Wire," I finally decided to suck it up and watch its fifth and final season earlier this year. Helping sway my decision was the fact that it would delve into the world of newspapers, which intrigued me as a reporter.

After being blown away what I saw, I immediately stocked my Netflix queue with the first four seasons. A couple of months later, one DVD disc at a time, I'm now finished with the first three episodes of Season 4.

Maybe one day I'll rank my favorite Top 10 "Wire" characters, but that's much harder than I anticipated due to the sheer army of players and likability of so many. But at this point, I do feel like I can properly rank the theme songs of each of the five seasons. All are versions of Tom Waits' "Way Down In The Hole."

5th place: Season 4 (kids from a Baltimore Boys Choir):

Not terrible, but one of these themes has to finish fifth and this one's the least engaging of the five. I find myself fast-forwarding through this version most frequently, possibly because the lead vocalist isn't connecting with the lyrics. Likeliness to fast-forward: 8/10.

4th place: Season 2 (Tom Waits):

Huge jump in quality from Season 4. Obviously, the lyrics connect more here with the original artist, and Waits earns the highest marks for the way he wails every time he sings the song title. But I start to fatigue from his gravelly voice and minimalist style at the 1-minute mark of the 90-second intro. I give him props as a lyricist and I won't reject him outright, but he's definitely one of those critically acclaimed musicians I just don't "get." Likeliness to fast-forward: 4/10.

3rd place: Season 3 (The Neville Brothers):

The pace picks up a bit for Aaron and whatever his brother's name is. Also helping to set the tone are the soulful vocals and an overall vibe that makes me feel like I'm in a smoky Bal'mo jazz club. It loses a bit of steam, however, when the vocals cut out and the sax solo kicks in. Likeliness to fast-forward: 3/10.

2nd place: Season 1 (The Blind Boys of Alabama):

I'm sure a lot of people were upset when they heard this theme would be replaced by another version, albeit the original. It has the best qualities of the two subsequent themes: Tom Waits' brooding and The Neville Brothers' pacing. There's a reason "Wire" actor/director Clarke Johnson hearkened back to this theme for the final season's montage; it in many ways defines the show just as much as its characters, writing and acting. Likeliness to fast-forward: 2/10.

1st place: Season 5 (Steve Earle):

Maybe I'm influenced by how the show gripped me the first time I watched it, or because Earle holds his own playing a recovering drug addict on the show. But even as someone who bristles against anything resembling country music, I most love Earle's take, whose plucky guitar, popping percussion, smooth strings and spoken refrains convinced me to buy the track on iTunes and blast in my car to help me get in touch with my inner Bunk. Likeliness to fast-forward: 1/10.

Buying fake chips for Facebook Texas Hold'Em is wrong in so many ways

2008-09-03T00:55:00.011-04:00

So I love me some good ol' Texas Hold'Em, to the point that I was genuinely excited to spot Howard "The Professor" Lederer in person from afar during the World Series of Poker when my buddy Mark and I sojourned to Vegas a few years ago.

I've even befriended a couple of people in the flesh through Facebook's Texas Hold'Em application. I don't play as often as I once did, but it's a good way to maintain some level of skill without going broke. After all, while I covet the application's chips for the purposes of pride, I have nothing to lose other than productivity because they have no monetary value.

Tonight, I figured I'd get in a game before bed. That game never took place because I was so compelled to document the idiotic elements relating to the second-to-last option on the application's menu bar:
Yes, you read that right. "Buy Chips!" Meaning you'd pay real money for chips with no monetary value; for a game that yields no actual cash, no matter how often or many chips you win; for an application that GIVES you chips every time you sign on, albeit a small number of them.

Curious about this monstrosity, I clicked the "Buy Chips!" tab. And this order form popped up:
First came the shock that, with your credit card of choice, you could spend $100 a pop for fake chips that, once again, you could compile at no cost with just a bit of patience. Then there was the realization that the first option is described as a "better value." A better value than what, exactly? Paying $20 to get stabbed in the face with a rusty screwdriver? Not by much.

Upon closer inspection, some fuzzy math made me wonder if the person describing these "values" was ridiculously stupid, incredibly savvy or both:
For $50, you can get 300,000 fake chips -- supposedly the "best value." Mathematically, that's patently false, because with the "super value," you'd get more than twice the number of chips while only paying twice the exorbitant dollar figure.

But then kicked in my cynical side. Since only stupid people would pay money for free, worthless chips, maybe the application salespeople count on buyers who will just accept the "best value" as truth, blindly pay the $50 amount on a regular basis and never realize that they're not getting the best rate.

It's so crazy and evil, it's genius.

'The Simpsons' nails the only thing wrong with 'The Departed'

2008-09-01T12:34:00.006-04:00

With the exception of the excellent movie version of "The Simpsons," I don't watch the series much these days. But thanks to Hulu, today I caught a particularly good recent episode, "The Debarted."

It does an outstanding job parodying one of my favorite movies, but it also skewers the only problem I have with the Oscar-winning film:

Thanks to Ralph, we're all learnding (sic).

Here's my favorite random scene from the episode, which for whatever reason I believe my friend Nate Johnson would find particularly amusing:

Obscure SNL Skit of the Week: Iconoclasts with Charles Barkley and Björk

2008-08-30T22:51:00.006-04:00

This newie and goodie, featuring the underrated Kenan Thompson and the always hilarious Kristen Wiig, popped up toward the end of one of this most recent season's episodes. I think I watched it about a dozen times in a row when I first saw it on DVR.

"Hahaha! Oh, Bork...."

Related: Obscure SNL Skit 1, Obscure SNL Skit 2.

What a surprise! Another awful Toyota commercial!

2008-08-30T01:48:00.004-04:00

I know Toyota is a Japanese car company, but despite the fact that their American commercials are made in the good ol' U.S. of A., there's still something lost in translation with so many of their idiotic ads.

It's a special brand of hate, really. I don't like many car commercials to begin with. At all. They're rarely original, often jam-packed with numbers and percentages and stock footage of vehicles driving in scenic locales. But I've always spewed the most venom at ads for Toyota, which ironically makes really nice cars.

There was the 2007 Camry ad that makes men look spineless and women look insane. And the Tacoma ad that unintentionally praises a competing truck.

And then there's this newer one that I should like because it offers a car with good fuel economy, but loses all credibility at just the 3-second mark with the dopey deejay who asks his supposed listeners about gas prices by asking if they "love 'em (or) hate 'em":

Clearly that radio station has call letters of WTF on the east coast or KRZY on the west. Unless the station is exclusively pumping the show into the ears of ExxonMobil employees on an oil rig, I highly doubt anyone's calling in to celebrate gas prices that make my face melt.

So what's more likely/offensive? That Toyota just got lazy with writing the copy for the deejay? Or that some ad wizard suggested that "love 'em" be added to the line so that the 0.0000000000001 percent of us who actually profit off high oil prices will consider buying a Toyota?

Why you should sing neither "Ice Ice Baby" nor "Under Pressure" at karaoke

2008-08-29T20:52:00.011-04:00

Everyone at the bar is going to secretly wish for the other one.

Just think about it. The crowd buzzes upon hearing the "doom doom doom do-do doom-doom" of the bassline and wonders if pressure's going to come down on you or if you're going to stop, collaborate and listen.

And once you reveal your selection, there's the automatic let-down: You're either doing the original, which, while superior, has far inferior goofy ironic value, or the ripoff that every drunk flock of girls or frat boys has bludgeoned to death.

But gun to my head, if I were a tenor, I'd pick "Under Pressure." Straight-up rap songs without some kind of melodic vocals to break up the spoken word just don't work well at karaoke. At that point, it's basically glorified TelePrompTer reading.

Perhaps my favorite Ronald McDonald commercial of all time other than the holiday one when he picks up the sniffly kid who can't ice skate

2008-08-21T20:27:00.010-04:00

Back in 1991, America was facing turbulent times. Mired between the neon '80s and the dot-com '90s, we as a society were battling recession, the Rodney King aftermath, huge pants and a whole lotta blah. (Had a whole lotta blah! Nyerrrr!)

But one man had the courage. The courage to transform beatboxing into a 4-year-old's impersonation of exploding bombs. The courage to possibly add "Fuh" as a prefix to the word "cool," making it sound vaguely dirty. The courage to shield himself from the trends of the era -- whether they be flat-tops or mohawks -- and just be himself.

I think Jesus Jones summed it up best that year when they sang, "I was alive and I waited for this."

If Mr. McDonald hadn't already earned the title of "Sir Ronald," then certainly this contribution to Madison Avenue warranted knighthood.

Pucker up

2008-08-20T23:46:00.004-04:00

An online chat, held moments ago:
Christina: and i had a brownie and a lemon square ...
Me: funny... i had a lemon and a brownie square
Christina: hmmm most people dont eat lemons
Me: well i do. and my mouth hasn't unwound itself from a pucker position since
Me: total strangers think i'm trying to kiss them
Me: and i am, but that's besides the point

And the winner for best-chorus/worst-everything-else song of all time is...

2008-08-19T14:05:00.005-04:00

Gary Wright's "Dreamweaver."

Seriously, from the spacey, endless clashing intro/outro to the ball-less snoozefest verses, the non-chorus cacophony is pretty much the worst thing ever compared to the catchy, groovy, chewy nougat center:

There's a reason "Wayne's World" only uses the chorus the first time Wayne Campbell sees Cassandra.

Facebook Status Updates: Part I

2008-08-16T13:00:00.008-04:00

And now some of my best Facebook Status Updates from the last month, in reverse-chronological order:

- Chris is a 100-meter butterfly that has nothing to do with swimming.

- Chris is torn; China's gymnasts were no older than 16 COMBINED, but they still won the Gold. Technically, isn't that more impressive?

- Chris is dressed to maim.

- Chris thinks gold-medalist Natalie Coughlin is cute but looks better with wet hair.

- Chris is Michael Phelps except for all that swimming.

- Chris just saw one of his old high school yearbook quotes was from "Night Court": "It's so hard to say au revoir, so let's just say au gratin."

- Chris has little to no voice left from last night's Police concert, which at one point also featured actual police on stage playing along to "Message In A Bottle."

- Chris is Synchronicity I ... and II.

- Chris is not your name/He knows what you're up to just the same/He will listen hard to your intuition/He will see it come to its fruition.

- Chris caved and uploaded the "legit" Scrabble application. Ugh.

- Chris fears hygiene and plot issues when it comes to traveling pants.

- Chris shouldn't be surprised that ignorant people hate teachers, but he's disappointed nonetheless.

- Chris has the wussiest injury in the history of everything: A sore left hand from hitting it too hard with a tambourine at post-wedding karaoke.

- Chris now knows that at least 23 of you have iPhones because you've installed the Facebook application to them. And, yes, he's jealous.

- Chris will never not find Steve Carell in "Anchorman" hilarious.

- Chris thinks the words "Spuyten Duyvil" shouldn't exist, let alone be flaunted on a Metro-North sign.

- Chris reminds you that the National League sucks.

Vermont hates Michael Phelps

2008-08-11T14:20:00.012-04:00

According to today's main ESPN.com SportsNation poll, Vermont is the only state whose majority of Internet voters thinks American swimmer Michael Phelps won't win eight gold medals in the Beijing Olympics:
Even the rest of the WORLD -- except for maybe, well, France -- agrees there's no stopping Phelp Phever. But don't expect Ben & Jerry's to start shipping out mass quantities of Phelpraline Delight anytime soon.

It's probably because Vermonters are voting with their minds instead of their hearts, but part of me wishes that it's because they're all walking around with Mark Spitz mustaches that scream Ron Burgundy.

And in case you're wondering, Spitz is from California, making this voting trend even more baffling.

Nick Di Paolo is awesome. I talked to him about stuff and a camera was there and everything.

2008-07-29T20:34:00.005-04:00

Just me and Nick Di Paolo, having a chat at a diner. Oh, don't mind the TV camera, Nick.

Trapped In A Cell: Part 1

2008-07-20T23:46:00.011-04:00

And now the latest in a series of surely doomed regular features on Varsity Basketweaving: Collections of my own cell-phone photos with commentary, conveniently assembled in a feature called Trapped In A Cell. Enjoy.

i. Wendy, fast-food pitchwoman or psycho killer (qu'est-ce c'est)?
Date taken: 11:39 p.m. July 20. Location of photo: DVR freeze-frame of TV commercial.
In the latest ad campaign for one of my favorite fast food chains, an animated Wendy looks like a cute little girl until her pupils practically disappear, making her look like a satanic extra from another unintentional creepfest, "The Polar Express." OK, I'll eat a Spicy Chicken Sandwich! Please don't eat my soul!

ii. Condensation or Religious Experience?
Date taken: 11:31 a.m. July 11. Location of photo: Movie theatre restroom
I added the arrow for clarity, but this otherwise undoctored and unstaged photo features a Seth Rogen lookalike crying a single tear of joy on my Coke cup. Yes, it's only a perfectly coincidental drop of condensation, but faux-Rogen's 3D impression of a mournful Harvey Dent scared the crap out of me for a split second right after a viewing of "Hancock." If a crying Jesus reinforces faith in Christianity for those who witness it, does this mean I must worship Apatow for the rest of my life? I mean, he's OK, I guess, but I'd sooner kowtow to Scorsese.

iii. Well, hello my name is Simon and I like to do rehabiliation
Date taken: 9:17 p.m. July 10. Location of photo: Metro-North train car vestibule.
Yes, a train passenger was looking at me confused, perhaps trying to figure out which addiction demon I was trying to exorcise. (Answer: All of them.) At first glance, this just appears to be another eye-catching ad for the Canterbury Institute's rehab clinic. But upon further review, shift the circle 90 degrees clockwise and you have the exact color scheme for a childhood staple:

I guess the ad's primary demographic is children of the '80s who have replaced one increasingly frustrating addiction with a more destructive version. Almost any of these vices in extreme cases would pretty much ruin your chances of even turning the power switch on Simon, much less advancing past two moves. But maybe the right amount of cocaine would actually have you so wired that you'd not only win but also outlast the game's triple-A batteries before crashing in a heap of despair.

I don't know this much is true

2008-07-18T19:16:00.011-04:00

Please settle this minor dispute between me and my friend Christina.

When you read "Ha ha ha HA ha," do you hear:

A. The Woody Woodpecker laugh

or

B. The chorus of Spandau Ballet's "True"?

And before you ask: No, no other pop culture reference is an acceptable answer.

Related tangent: I like how Woody's hair fits right in with Spandau Ballet's '80s coifs. A Flock of Woodpeckers, if you will.

This Bobby Murcer video made me laugh and cry at the same time

2008-07-12T22:22:00.008-04:00

We'll miss you, buddy.

I'm on a John Legend album. (Kind of.)

2008-07-06T13:15:00.015-04:00

Kanye. Jay-Z. Lauryn. Fergie. Serico?!

Ten years after the fact, I just learned that I'm singing on the same album as John Legend. Follow along, friends.

My college a cappella group, the Boston College Acoustics, made the cut for the 1998 Best Of College A Cappella (BOCA) album. Despite poor production quality, Fran Gendrano's powerful lead vocals and Matty Lane's classic arrangement for our rendition of Paula Cole's "The Ladder" helped make it the penultimate song on the 18-song compilation. My buddy Matt Havens and I are the two guys singing the bass line on the track.

BOCA 1998's opening cut -- and rightfully so -- is a University of Pennsylvania Counterparts song inspired by Prince's R&B reinterpretation of Joan Osborne's "One of Us." Soloing is John R. Stephens, the man who would change his name to John Legend.

One of only about three dozen a cappella songs comprising the 2,301 in my regular iTunes rotation, I've been enjoying the Counterparts' version of "One of Us" for more than a decade. But while researching the origins of Osborne's biggest hit for work, I learned only today via the song's Wikipedia page that Legend was the vocalist I'd been admiring all along. Not relying on Wikipedia alone, I was able to confirm that fact here and here.

So yeah, John, call me. Let's do lunch and another collabo soon.

Something tells me Burger King did the Indiana Jones scratch-off game on the cheap

2008-07-03T22:38:00.005-04:00

My winning scratch-off treasure: "Knowledge."

Hey, lemme add your number to my phone. And by 'add your number' I mean 'accidentally delete hundreds of numbers instead'

2008-07-03T21:53:00.006-04:00

Thankfully, the title of this post hasn't come true (yet), but I wouldn't be surprised if a drunken and/or soberly spastic version of me does just that, thanks to the genius software designers for Verizon's Voyager phone.

For those who don't know, the Voyager is Verizon's supposed response to the iPhone -- a touch-screen gadget that's far inferior except for GPS Navigation and, y'know, actual phone service.

So say I'm fortunate enough to add the phone number of a pretty young lady to said phone:
Make that another pretty young lady, as you can see the lovely and talented (and engaged) Abbi Crutchfield is already in there. Anyway....

Let's take a closer look at my only two options on this menu, shall we?
So with one slip of the thumb, not only can I say good-bye to the supermodel's number I'm trying to add, but also those of every friggin' number I've collected and not yet deleted during a fit of rage, apathy and/or depression.

Can you hear me now? No, I can't hear anyone on the phone because the phone numbers of anyone I'd be talking to have been deleted.

I mean, hypothetically. But still!

Something not-so-special in the air

2008-06-29T21:48:00.014-04:00

I recently took a mini-vacation to Chicago. It was pretty much amazing and has now become my second-favorite American city. Perhaps I'll blog about that some other time.

Not so amazing, however, was my experience with an airline -- I'll call them Zmerican Zairlines to protect the very few innocent -- on what was supposed to be the last day of my trip. Instead of returning to New York on a Sunday night, I got back in the middle of the afternoon Monday. Assorted thoughts on my lost day:

1. After canceling a flight and realizing there's no way to board your passengers on a flight the same day, comp them outright with a hotel voucher and/or future flight instead of acting like you're doing them a favor by giving them a "reduced rate" at a hotel in scenic Airportanapolis.

2. You know that episode of "The Sopranos" when Tony lives out his coma as a hotel patron with seemingly nothing to do? It was basically Purgatory; nothing too good or too bad about it, but kind of lonely and sad. That's what my Sunday night stay in Nowheresville was after my flight was canceled. After a couple of overpriced snacks, a poor night's sleep and more than $100 worth of unnecessary hotel expenses, I was back at O'Hare attempting my trip home again.

3. There's probably no way of pulling such a thing off without lawsuits aplenty, but I'd be willing to pay up to $30 more for a flight to guarantee no kids under 10 are aboard. Even if it flies at an odd hour, I think airlines would make a killing this way. I'd definitely fork over another Jackson and Hamilton to ensure that no kid of careless parents kicks my seat, cries on the tarmac or repeatedly asks dumb questions at a volume that drowns out the engines. (Related.)

4. I really do think the TSA's decision to ban liquids that are in larger than 3-ounce containers is less about staving off terrorism and more about forcing patrons to spend money on overpriced airport beverages and toiletries. Because let's face it, that 20-ounce Mountain Dew that was evidently bottled by the Taliban is going to do far more damage to your liver than it would to a Boeing 747.

5. Here's a great way to punish passengers in unexpected fashion: Tell displaced passengers who didn't have the chance to pick the row of their new flight that they're allowed to fill a carry-on bag full of food, an iPod and reading materials to stow under the seat in front of them, but when the supposed seat in front of them is actually the wall that separates them from the first-class section, threaten them with an FAA fine if they don't immediately place said bag in an overhead compartment three seats away. And certainly don't think to allow the passenger time to take a few items out of it first before stowing it. That'll teach them to prepare for a flight without electronic entertainment or free food of any kind.

Oh, yes, an angry letter is being written to appropriate personnel about points 1, 2 and 5. Results, or the lack thereof, will be posted here in the future.

Bon Jovi's seen a million faces

2008-06-04T22:38:00.002-04:00

But I've only rocked several dozen.

HAPPY 3RD BLOGGIVERSARY, VARSITY BASKETWEAVING!

2008-06-01T14:30:00.006-04:00

Three years ago yesterday, Varsity Basketweaving began as a hobby -- a venue for written rants that I found interesting but didn't seem to fit into any work-related niche.

It's come to mean different things to me over the years.

The first time I tried to define it, I was chatting with David Scharfenberg, a reporter from The New York Times. Although I hadn't planned on a pithy way to describe my blog, he correctly quoted me as saying that VB is a venue for "the ridiculous and the mundane." That quote worked for both of us; Scharfenberg chose to use it in his story and I got to cite the Times in a way that both accurately described my blog and allowed me boast about the newspaper's documentation in the VB masthead.

Over the blog's first 18 months, it became clear to me that VB was a general-interest blog. As I joked to fellow bloggers at NBC's inaugural blogger convention, that meant I was "the only one who's generally interested in it." But that wasn't always the case.

As noted in the right margin of this blog, The Apiary, Best Week Ever, Brooklyn Vegan, Comedy Central, Cracked, Gawker, GorillaMask, Gothamist and Stereogum are among the high-profile blogs to cite VB for many a reason, ranging from John Mayer's stand-up comedy pursuit to Reading Rainbow's flamboyant music video about teamwork.

The last 12 months have been no exception. A day after celebrating VB's second bloggiversary, I published "Tetris pieces: Metaphors for the seven kinds of people at your college party," one of the most-viewed posts in VB history, thanks to linkage by GorillaMask. My year-end post about the Top 10 Top 10 Numbers of 2007 was referenced by both Best Week Ever and The Apiary. And documentation of a semi-close encounter with comedian David Cross warranted additional linkage from The Apiary.

Faithful VB readers might realize that the frequency of postings declined in the blog's third year, which has been somewhat transitional. And while "transitional" is often a euphemism that sports franchises use to describe a team that will be indefinitely sucky, in VB's case it means the blog stylings developed here parlayed new levels of success on other blogs and media.

Because I write extensively for The Journal News' enteratainment blogs -- the television-themed Remote Access and the celebrity-centered Suburbarazzi -- most things that fall under the categories of TV or regionally relevant celebrities get posted there if I'm going to write about them.

For Remote Access, I took on covering a third show ("Chuck") and wrote more than ever about "American Idol" and "Top Chef." This included a controversial 23-part series on the "Top 20 'Idol' Contestants of All Time," which likely will be revisited and revised in January now that Season 7 has concluded. I also cohosted weekly podcasts about "The Office" and "30 Rock."

For Suburbarazzi, I've continued to write about celebrities who have connections to New York City's northern suburbs in any way, shape or form. It's also enabled me to appear on a biweekly basis as an entertainment analyst on RNN-TV and co-host an Oscar special (part 1, part 2).

As for Headline Punchline -- my other personal blog with "actual headlines, marginal punchlines" -- well, that's taken the biggest hit among blogs to which I contribute. But perhaps it'll be revived in the near future.

In the meantime, thanks for reading, referencing and posting comments on Varsity Basketweaving. It's helped me professionally, creatively and therapeutically. And hopefully, for you, it's occasionally transcended the ridiculous and the mundane.

Further proof that Stevie Wonder is a genius and that I am an idiot

2008-05-29T17:06:00.011-04:00

For years, I've loved listening to Stevie Wonder's song "Lately," a stunning ballad about a relationship falling apart before his eyes, which as many people know, can't see.

The power of his vocals, musicianship and songwriting on that song lulled me into such a trance that only last week was when I realized that when he sings, "Lately I've been staring in the mirror," I'm the one slowly picking him apart.

Why? Because Stevie Wonder staring in the mirror likely yields the same result as say, staring at a wall, or staring at a box of Corn Pops. Because, again, he is blind (but not, evidently, to the evidence of a philanderer).

But before you make fun of him for writing that line, make fun of me for glossing over it after listening to it literally hundreds of times. And credit him for writing lyrics that are so transcendent and ironic that even HE can see why this relationship is doomed.

Also, before you make fun of him, remember that he's FREAKIN' STEVIE WONDER and is a genius.

Shut Up and Take Me Out (Hey!)

2008-05-28T11:23:00.008-04:00

Thank you, YouTube, for your telepathy.

I was thinking about how perfect a mash-up would be for The Ting Tings' "Shut Up and Let Me Go" (a.k.a. "Oh, yeah, that song from the latest non-Coldplay iPod commercial") and Franz Ferdinand's "Take Me Out."

Thankfully, someone else had the same idea (and the audio editing software I lack).

The result a little skimpy on the Franz Ferdinand side of things -- a full "Take Me Out" verse with the Ting Tings' instrumental would have balanced the mix out better -- but it still captures the essence of what I was hoping for:

Particularly nifty is the way the two songs work together lyrically as well: The Ting Tings' demand to "Shut up and let me go" is followed by Franz Ferdinand's admission, "I know I won't be leaving here with you."

And, for the record, The Ting Tings' similar-sounding song is original enough to be cool, unlike Finger Eleven's "Paralyzer," which is a lame "Take Me Out" rip-off.

(Related.)

The Chicago Sun-Times dabbles in Basketweaving

2008-05-24T12:10:00.005-04:00

Found this on the Chicago Sun-Times' Web site yesterday.

In fairness, unlike The New York Times piece that actually profiles Varsity Basketweaving, I think the Sun-Times reference was generated because that news service and VB subscribe to the BlogBurst network, which tries to pair blogs with news content. Here's the original VB post.

As a thank-you, though, I will say that Richard Roeper is one of my favorite movie critics. (But I would have said that anyway.)

AcipHex? No, seriously, though. What's the name of your prescription medication?

2008-05-19T13:22:00.006-04:00

There's got to be a branding agent who was fed up with one of his clients to such a degree that he named the pharmaceutical company's product "AcipHex" (pronounced "ass effects").

Are you kidding me? To answer a rhetorical question, no. I watched this commercial during a recent Yankee game and was floored it wasn't a joke. See and hear for yourself:

I'm guessing possible side effects include diarrhea, constipation and people incessantly making fun of the name of your medication.

The stuff is allegedly for heartburn, but I'm not buying it (literally or figuratively). My thought is that with a name like that, it was meant to treat Irritable Bowel Syndrome but wound up being more effective halfway through the digestive system.

To retaliate, the people at EsophoFix are going to have to make prescription-strength hemorrhoid cream.

Yesterday, for the first time ever, $40 failed to fill my gas tank

2008-05-14T14:22:00.004-04:00

May 2004: Regional gas prices top $2 per gallon -- "Jeez, this is inconvenient. I can barely fill my tank with Andrew Jackson's trading card. I feel like punching the passenger seat."

January 2006: Regional gas prices top $3 per gallon -- "Wow, suddenly this photo is more quaint than funny. I'm spending more money on gas than on some nights out in New York City. I feel like punching oil company execs in the face."

May 2008: Regional gas prices top $4 per gallon -- "[Expletive]! [Expletive]! [Expletive]! [Expletive]! [Expletive]! I feel like a [expletive gerund] punching bag."

So yeah, I'm a little punchy.