Monday, March 22, 2010

Battle of the UnADtainables: Axe Lady v. Heineken Lady

Due to popular demand and a seemingly unending phalanx of commercial hotties on the warpath for our attention (and, let's face it, money), it's time for another Battle of the UnADtainables.

Last week, Kia Lady and Kindle Lady fought to a tie in the comments section. That's fine with me; I keep changing my mind when I try to pick.

This week's edition, I have a feeling, will be a bit more lopsided, but so as not to influence votes, I will abstain for the time being. I give you Axe Lady v. Heineken Lady.

Axe Lady:
Name: Unknown. (Again: Seriously, Internet? Go to your room.)
Pros: Easily turned on; sees cushions as merely one way to harness the potential of a couch; pouty, pouty, pouty; caresses a couch arm with care yet authority; ridiculous pair of ... eyes, whose color I suddenly can't recall.
Cons: Is more aroused by hair than the guy beneath it; is content with being a tease; is associated with Axe body spray; likes nature documentaries, which are a more effective sleep aid than the crash after a cocktail of Red Bull, Vodka and Nyquil.


Heineken Lady:
Name: Alicia Rountree. (Google Images)
Pros: Sorry, French, but her body language just passed yours as most romantic; treats any floor like a runway; perfects the once-over that only happens to guys in beer commercials, movies and drunken Valentine's Day singles bars; bonus points for taboo conquest material; makes her intentions known without saying a word; angers ADWEEK commenters, despite the fact the ad is memorable for both the woman and the product.
Cons: Might not actually be able to say a word (insert hacky joke about how this is a good thing); might get you fired and lose interest in the same day; probably drinks something fruitier or harder than Heineken, meaning she's moved onto the stockbroker at the other end of the bar and your beer will be the only Heinie you'll be grabbing that night.


So who's hotter? Post your comments below. Explain your answer. See me after class.

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Battle of the UnADtainables: Kia Lady v. Kindle Lady

And now for a new feature for an old blog: Battle of the UnADtainables — an excuse for me to post pictures/videos of commercial actresses who are out of my league to boost their egos and my blog hit count. Everybody wins! (But mostly they do.) Today's edition is a blonde battle: Kia Lady v. Kindle Lady.

Kia Lady:
Name: Unknown. (Seriously, Internet? Get on this already.)
Pros: Likes teddy bears; killer smile; makes the most memorable 3-second cameo among Super Bowl ads this side of Betty White; comes across as accessible as she is merely promoting a Kia; wears earmuffs that muffle my "OH MY GOD, SHE'S SO HOT!" exclamation from the other side of the TV.
Cons: Probably doesn't like it when men call her the Kia Lady as opposed to her unknown name; hasn't been seen in subsequent (shorter) versions of the commercial; is merely promoting a Kia; probably does not date men who drive a car by Kia or its affiliate, Hyundai; I have no easy access to hot tubs.

Kindle Lady:
Name: Annie Little.
Pros: That's actually her singing in the Kindle commercial; playful and imaginative; clothes fall off her while being pleasantly ejected from airplanes; has a great imagination; likes costumes; has appeared on "Mad Men."
Cons: Accident-prone (falls out of planes, off bicycles); hangs around stabby folk and bears; is a little too comfortable wearing a mustache; has been with Don Draper already, rendering all other men moot.

So who's hotter? Post your comments below.